April 1, 2003

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Davenporsche in double trouble?

By Lakuv Integrity

This September brings about a new challenge for the University of Wealthy Ontarians – one question is on the minds of faculty, administration and students alike: will the mass influx of first-year students spell "double trouble," or will the autumn be cohort-alicious?

Word from the top is, when the frosh invade, UWO will be ready. "We don't want to sound cocky, but we feel we're on top of things," said UWO President Pal Davenporsche.

When asked for an example of specific actions taken by the university that have led to his confidence, Davenporsche smiled wryly.

"Well, we've put our heads together and come up with a course of action. This month alone we've come up with a plan to house frosh under University Drive bridge and decided that all students wearing hats or chewing gum in class will be expelled," he explained.

Davenporsche went on to reveal what he felt was UWO's crowning achievement on the double cohort issue. "We've assembled an in-depth list of words that rhyme with, or at the very least, sound like, 'preparation.'"

Despite the president's optimism, many people are still voicing their concerns. In fact, while Davenporsche was conducting the interview for this story from his home, Cinderella Davenporsche, his 17-year-old daughter and one of the high school students affected by the double cohort, picked up another phone and gave us her take on the situation.

"I've been living in a broom closet all my life because my dad's collection of Audrey Hepburn memorabilia takes up all the room in the house. I mean, God, we're rich as stink, and the guy can't even manage to provide his own daughter with a room. How the hell is he going to take care of 5,000 frosh?"

Davenporsche was quick to intervene. "Now, now dear – you know well and good that a broom closet in our house is the size of most working people's garages. Now kiss the framed picture of Audrey good-night and go to bed."

One person who did seem very optimistic about the coming double cohort was a guy on Concrete Beach who would only tell our reporter he was an "upper-year" student and referred to himself in the third person.

"Ooooh ya, Bangers can't wait for the double cohort. All those 17-year-old girls with no place to sleep. Well, if they need a place to stay, they don't gots to look any further than Bangers palace of love. But they must be warned, sleepin' is fo' suckers and Bangers loves Bangin'. Oooh ya," he said.


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