April 1, 2003

 
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Hey fun boys, where's the funding?

UWO to steal more student money

By The Big Neptizzle

The University of Wealthy Ontarians has decided, once again, to cut the funding of numerous varsity teams on campus.

"We've already taken every dime we could from them, why not take more?" said dictator of sports, Dick Cumming-Cockburn. "We will not be satisfied until they are selling their bodies on the street or bending over our posh oak desks."

The funding initiative is apparently already affecting numerous athletes, many who have implemented some very creative fundraising initiatives. Richard Rainford-Smith who likes to go by the name "Slick Rick with a big fat dick," said the men's volleyball team has tried to sell their amazing ability to spank balls.

"We've really worked on muscle training to spank the balls," Rainford-Smith said. "It's not always easy to keep the balls in play, but through guidance from our great coach and former army general Master B. Station, we have been able to maximize our output."

The volleyball team is using this output and recently erected (pun definitely intended) a "Gizzonade" stand on campus. Unfortunately, even after much interrogation by Western Spews reporters, the squad wouldn't reveal the contents of the creamy drink.

"Mmmm, mmm, good...," said Cumming-Cockburn after taking a swig of the man-juice. "It's creamy and looks a lot like mayonnaise, but it has a distinct taste," Cumming-Cockburn added.

The new funding cuts also seem to be a direct result of Title 69, subsection D of the university athletic code, which states the need for more extreme sports representation on university campuses across Canada.

Included in this new push towards extreme sports are midget-tossing, extreme javelin tossing and, along the theme of tossing, tossing your cookies.

Varsity teams hoping the worst is over are in for an unpleasant surprise, as funding cuts may not yet be finished.

"If we have to take the uniforms off their body, we will," Cumming-Cockburn said. "Wait a second. Now that I think about, why the hell haven't I thought about that before?"

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2002 THE GAZETTE