April 1, 2003

 
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Drugs are good for you, trust us

By Big Boobs McGee

A dorky scientist from the University of Wealthy Ontarians has just discovered the ultimate performance-enhancing drug: androcreaphedroidine.

Gary Nolife, the aforementioned dorky scientist, revealed the world's most powerful and effective performance-enhancing drug to the public yesterday.

"Androcreaphedroidine works by isolating the thing-a-ma-jig in your bloodstream, then attacks it by doing a whole bunch of scientific stuff. It then makes your muscles big, so you can kick a lot of ass, but unfortunately, not take a lot of names," said Nolife, who backed his claims by showing an old picture of himself when he was 105 pounds.

Nolife now tips the scales at a hefty 205 pounds.

Nolife elaborated on the strict dietary guidelines one must follow when taking the drug. "When combined with a strong regiment of Funyuns and Jolt Cola, androcreaphedroidine will make you bigger, stronger, faster and more appealing to the opposite sex... well, maybe not the last thing, but I can dream, can't I?"

No. No you can't.

What also makes this drug so great – even better than cocaine, which is already pretty great – is that the ingredients to androcreaphedroidine include many different banned substances. What this means is that androcreaphedroidine is so illegal that it is legal.

"This drug is legal, so I can give it to a beagle or a seagull, or even to Jeff Feagles... who plays for – that's right – the Eagles," Nolife said.

With the allowance of androcreaphedroidine into Canadian Interuniversity Sport, UWO will finally be able to take its place as supreme demi-god over all the other "universities" in Canada.

"MUAH HA HA HA HAA!" said Ludwig von Boozebegood, incoming dictator of sports at UWO, before adding, "HA!"

The one drawback to taking the drug is that it is taken as a suppository rather than orally. Androcreaphedroidine's side-effects include: headaches, fatigue, dry mouth, leprosy, loss of hair, teeth, life, minor rectal bleeding, major anal burning, partial loss of hearing and sexual libido and, in some instances, loss of penis.

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2002 THE GAZETTE