April 1, 2003

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In Brief

NDP CANDIDATE: The University of Wealthy Ontarians crazy old prospecting professor, Old Man Simmons, has announced his candidacy for the No Dick Party. He joins the provincial race against incumbent London North Centre MPP Hanz Gerhardt. Simmons intends to run on a platform that will ensure Ontario stakes its claim to any newly discovered gold and province-subsidized pickaxes for all Ontarians. When approached by reporters, Simmons cocked his civil war-era repeater rifle and issued the following statement: "I suggest youse city-type varmints gets away from me claim." Three reporters were shot and one spittoon was spat in during the ensuing melee.

SCORE 1 FOR THE BREWMEISTER: Second-year political science student and self-dubbed lazy guy Todd Brewer recently outwitted everyone when at the grocery store, he opted to buy diapers instead of toilet paper. "Think about it," said Brewer, or "The Brewmeister," as he is referred to by his friends. "Why should I even get up to go to the bathroom? Toilet paper is just American Standard's way of controlling where you go to the bathroom. I'm not going to let the corporations tell me what to do."

GRAD IS NAKED UNDER ROBES: George Rogeropolis, a recent arts graduate, wore no clothes under his graduation gown at last year's ceremony. "I came up to my friend Steve and he was totally like, 'George are you naked under those robes?' and I was like, 'No.' Then he said, 'Yes, you are naked. I can see your socks.' Then I went, 'Whatever man.' Then he said, 'OK, I guess you're not naked.' I totally got him," Rogeroplis explained.

ECONOMICS PROFESSOR IS "SKETCHY": Hillary Welland, a first-year economics student, claims that her economics professor, Simon Harris, "is like totally sketchy." Welland said she finds the constant chalk stains on his crotch "totally creepy" and wishes "he'd, like, shave that beard," adding later, "What's up with that?" Welland's friend and fellow classmate, Sabrina Smith, agrees with Welland and added to the list of grievances, "Professor Harris's beard is totally disgusting." Smith also noted the irony of an economics professor not being able to afford a razor.


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