April 1, 2003

 
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Breast implant referendum contested

By Meno Hippie

The Unholy Self-serving Children is up in arms concerning the results of last Friday's student breast implant referendum.

"First of all, men voted, which is just so stupid," complained social sucking councillor Hugh G. Knockers. "The entire referendum process was flawed.

"And where do they get off letting girls who already have large breasts vote, too? Obviously, they're not going to vote for it," Knockers said. "I'm sure I saw a girl with double-Ds vote twice."

USC President Crass Nasal said the referendum process was completely fair. "I don't understand what all the complaints are about – the referendum passed with 90 per cent support," he explained. "Besides, I'm thinking of using the plan myself – I may never leave the house again."

The referendum's passage means the implementation of a breast implant plan will begin next September, Nasal explained. Any student who chooses to undergo breast augmentation surgery or up their cup size will be given a $10,000 stipend. In a related story, USC fees will increase by $4,569 per student next year.

Another major criticism of the referendum results stems from the University of Wealthy Ontarians' blatant endorsement of the plan. "[UWO] administration engineered a huge campaign to promote the USC breast implant plan," said fourth-year feminist studies student Flatterthan Aboard. "They wanted to ensure UWO maintains its reputation as the most beautiful campus – and I guess that means giant hooters."

UWO President Pal Davenporsche said the referendum results were in line with UWO's long-term strategic plan. The strategic document, Barbie Doll Campus, outlines a five-year project to make UWO a veritable picture of student physical perfection.

This angers students like Aboard. "Women should not be pressured to live up to artificial, societal stereotypes of beauty," she argued. However, Aboard said she would not fight the breast implant referendum. "I'm too busy campaigning against the 1999 strip club construction project."

Western's strip club, Skankarrific, is located where the Dick Ivy School of Capitalists used to stand, and is set to open this June.

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2002 THE GAZETTE