April 1, 2003

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Don Juan jewel thief

By Gary McLurksalot

In a modern romantic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, Pal Davenporsche, the president of the University of Wealthy Ontarians, recently had his heart broken by an international diamonds thief.

"He was so handsome, so gentile," Davenporsche explained in a teary-eyed interview with The Western Spews. "How did I know he was going to steal my heart, and then my solid gold car?"

Davenporsche was the most recent victim of Higgins Rutherford III, a.k.a. "The Jackal," the notorious international diamonds thief who has left a string of broken hearts and empty pockets from Guatemala to Thailand.

When reached at his home in Fiji, Rutherford was unapologetic. "You live you learn. You love you learn. You lose you learn," he said. "Plus, Pal still has his solid-gold helicopter, solid-gold tuxedo and solid-gold bed pan. He's not going to be poor any time soon."

When asked how he was mending his broken heart, Davenporsche said he was experimenting with a combination of mustard and mayonnaise. "I call it mustardaise," he explained.


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