April 1, 2003

Search the Archives:


Dr. Beach coming to UWO

By Pump-up My Jam

Concrete Beach is a lot of things, but a "real" beach, it's not. The affectionate nickname for the mass of cracked cement was most likely coined by wishful-thinking students longing to make the fading tans of Reading Week last. However, over the years, the Beach has not lived up to its name – until now.

In response to the large number of semi-clad students basking in the recent warm weather, the Unholy Self-serving Children has proposed some changes to Concrete Beach. Those who appreciate the wonders of silicone and Spandex should be delighted with the improvements.

In order to create a more authentic beach experience, the USC plans to completely cover the area with sand. The addition of broken beer bottles, used condoms and flocks of rabid seagulls is still being investigated.

The area will be designated completely nude for an edifying European experience, and Brazilian bikini waxes will be required. In light of this new policy, the 23 unattractive or slightly overweight students who somehow gained admission to the University of Wealthy Ontarians will attend mandatory "self-improvement" spas this summer.

An Olympic-sized track is to be built around the perimeter of the sanded area. The surface will provide a venue for the former stars of Baywatch, who will be hired by UWO to provide entertainment on a seasonal basis.

In order to add the desired "jiggle effect" to the beach, the likes of Yasmine Bleeth, David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson will run daily laps around the track in their infamous red swimsuits. The stirring strains of the Baywatch theme song and recordings of swimmers' panicked cries will be played on outdoor speakers to add ambiance.

Since no beach would be complete without a majestic body of water, the windows of the Universally Conceited Centre, which surround the new beach, will be converted into large aquariums.

Rather than being filled with traditional sea creatures, the aquariums will house prominent professors who will delight students by performing tricks and begging for raw fish.

To avoid Arctic winter conditions and preserve the beach atmosphere year-round, the entire area will be enclosed in a clear dome, bringing new meaning to the term "UWO bubble."

The improvements to Concrete Beach will be financed by the USC's revenues from The Suburban Tanning Co. business located in the UCC. Tanning appointments are expected to increase exponentially following the renovations.


Contact The News Department