Dick Ivy Capitalist
I beg your pardon, but it has come to my attention that students at the Dick Ivy School of Capitalists have been the unwitting targets of malicious buggery by other peons... nay... pupils of our fine academic establishment.
I do say, fellow University of Wealthy Ontarian students, please cease and desist in your unremitted beseechment of my fellow brethren at Ivy. It is un-English, to say the least, for you to continue these premeditated, unmitigated attacks upon the future overlords of the world... pardon me, future business leaders of the world.
To resort to petty mockery and even go as far as pray tell pugilism, is about as much of a faux pas as wearing a seersucker suit in the middle of January.
I am feeling somewhat chagrined that UWO's administration has neglected to address this issue, allowing it to simmer on the back-burner like a fine dish of Osso Bucco.
I beseech you, do not take this letter as the facetious banter of an intellectually superior fellow, take it as the... uhh... un-facetious, non-banter of a smart business guy.
Thorold P. Harrodsworth III