Monkeys, hunchbacks and salmon
I'm not going to sugar-coat it Major League Baseball is boring.
With stiff competition from more exciting TV like Sponge Bob Squarepants
and Charles in Charge reruns, baseball could sure use some spice.
You may recall not too long ago that Brett Hull published in The Hockey News his hardhearted "Ten Ways to Improve the Game." Well I, like Brett Hull, am putting forth ten ways to improve the game of baseball.
Although, unlike Hull, I have the athletic ability of a bowl of oatmeal. Plus, I steal Bibles.
1. Equipment managers should be replaced with monkey butlers.
Everyone loves those mischievous simians all dressed up in tuxedos
especially kids. It's important to give kids a reason to love baseball,
because, well, children are the future and we all remember what
happened when we used to think the Amish were the future. Man, was that
2. Pitchers should have to rub a hunchback for good luck.
Sports are full of superstition because well, superstition makes sense:
it's the basis for all facts. Instead of asking, isn't this demeaning
to those with terrible, debilitating spinal cord deformities? Ask instead:
how can you not rub that?
3. Batters should have to wear a 50lb Pacific salmon in their
belt. Not only does it make fashion sense and turn heads in gay
Paris, but it will give the vicious grizzly bear with a feverish thirst
for blood a reason to chase the batter after he's just hit a home-run.
4. While running, players should have to navigate a gauntlet
of land mines. It seems appropriate to couple America's favourite
past time with America's favourite subterranean, anti-personnel high-explosive.
Could this, like Dijonnaise, be a match made in heaven?
5. Five words: Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge.
He's awesome. He can put baseball on a colour-coded alert system. My favourite
is yellow it's duct tape night at the stadium. I always freak out
on duct tape night!
6. Every week in one MLB game, a mystery baseball appears.
To keep fans and players on the edges of their seats, no one will know
which ball it is, but sooner or later with the crack of the bat or smack
of the glove the mystery ball will explode, releasing a cloud of angry
7. TSN should begin a "Coach's Corner" for baseball,
featuring Mr. T. Every game, Mr. T will pity his "Foo of
the game" and subsequently beat him up and steal his clothes. Now
8. Foster a return of the beeswax moustache. Remember
in the 19th century, when players used to wear an elegantly coifed beeswax
moustache? I sure don't. Man, now I look like an ass.
9. Conduct rookie drafts in the style of ABC's Are You Hot?
Chances are, it should boost baseball's' ratings with female audiences.
Also, a stern lesson from Lorenzo Lamas' flaw-finding laser pointer could
be what gets some of those rookies to straighten up and fly right.
10. Extra innings should be replaced with makeovers.
I just think the team makeup manager doesn't get enough credit.