Volume 96, Issue 98
Thursday, April 3, 2003

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Words from a wise, wise man

Them's The Breaks
Ben Mills
Sports Editor

When I was asked to write an end of the year column for the much revered Opinions section, a million ideas raced into my head. Those ideas were then rendered crap, so I decided to scribble-down some random thoughts and ideas I have always wanted to put into print.

Regular class attendance does not necessitate success. NEWS FLASH: Everybody knows this. We are in the prime of our lives – our formative years if you will – so you may as well enjoy yourself while you still can. University is not that hard (omit: engineering); just get your work done and you can smoke all the weed, drink all the beer, sleep with as many guys/girls/dogs as you want. Just make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Clichés make you sound smart. Don't listen to English teachers, they're too old to know what's going on. Just make sure you can find the obscure quotes that nobody else knows. Chinese proverbs are an alternative source for these little gems.

Don't ask people with tattoos if they regret them. I have four tats and I regret none of them. Stop asking me if I do, or I'll crimson your face.

Stop with the fake Burberry scarves. Buy a real one for goodness sake.

Just because a guy loves shopping doesn't mean he's gay. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be well-dressed. The word for people who insult the well-dressed – jealous.

Stop taking shit so seriously. I'm a guy, therefore, I am prone to putting my foot in my mouth – often. Life is far too short to dwell on the little things. Don't bicker with friends/family/profs/sports editors over petty crap, because you are wasting your and everyone else's time.

Walk through life with a smile on your face. Would it kill everybody to smile for once? I've smiled at random people and have got looks of, "keep away from me, psycho." I could use the cliché about how it takes a gazillion muscles to frown, and only three to smile, but that cliché sucks. Instead I'll steal something from Bobby McFerrin: Don't worry, be happy.

History degrees do not always lead to teaching careers. Teachers are a noble breed, but I don't want to be one. History teaches you a plethora of skills (the correct spelling of 'plethora' being one of them) – that can be overlooked in other degrees. History opens your eyes to the past, in order for you to understand the present.

Sports is like poetry. With titles such as: "The immaculate reception," "the music city miracle," "the shot heard 'round the world," "the thrilla in manilla," "the rumble in the jungle (that's two for Mr. King)," "the miracle on ice," "E3," "the hand of God," etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

Politics and religion should not be discussed among friends. Don't talk about them unless you are out to pick a fight. You can't change a person's mind in a day, so stop thinking you can.

Don't talk about things of which you have no knowledge. Socrates was considered the wisest man in the world because he could admit to his own ignorance. If you don't know something about something, admit it. People will see right through you if you start to bullshit.

That is a rather fitting note on which to end my last column; I'll leave you with the last words of humorist James Thurber: "God bless... God damn."




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