Volume 96, Issue 99
Friday, April 4, 2003

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NEWS FOR DUMMIES: War, SARA and beaver punching

By Emmett Macfarlane
Gazette Staff

Western students can soon return to the magical land of blissful ignorance, for this is the final installment of News for Dummies for this academic year.

A happy story emerged for "coalition forces" in the war against Iraq this week, as 19-year-old private first class Jessica Lynch was rescued from an Iraqi hospital by a United States commando unit.

The former prisoner of war suffered at least one gunshot wound, two broken legs and a broken arm during her ordeal. When news broke that Lynch was captured, controversy erupted in the U.S. over sending 19-year-old girls into combat.

In related news, the combat unit also rescued activist, writer and director Michael Moore after he almost choked on his own foot, still lodged in his mouth after last month's Oscars.

On the home front, SARS, severe acute respiratory syndrome, claimed the life of its seventh victim in Toronto this week. Officials remain confident the outbreak can be contained. Hospitals across the province have enacted safety measures for the mysterious virus, believed to have originated in China.

Also this week, Air Canada announced its financial bankruptcy. An announcement on its moral bankruptcy is expected next week.

U.S. Ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci has hinted that President George W. Bush may postpone his May 5 visit to Ottawa because of the war.

Cellucci stressed a postponement would not come as a result of damaged U.S.-Canadian relations. He then repeated U.S. disappointment in Canada for not joining the war, called Canada "Canuckistan," punched a stuffed beaver in the nose, flipped the bird and left.

The Ontario Film Review Board slightly changed its classification system this week, introducing the 14A and 18A ratings as seen on home videos.

A second system was rejected. It included, CF (Chick Flick), NACM (Not Another Comic-based Movie), KMN (Kill Me Now) for Madonna movies, WPS (White People Suck) for movies directed by Spike Lee, and AMILLTWBLOSBTL (Advertisements Made It Look Like There Would Be Lots Of Sex But They Lied).

This system was rejected because some critics complained it lacked a BSW (Barbra Streisand Warning).

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2002 THE GAZETTE