Volume 96, Issue 99
Friday, April 4, 2003

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Short people: the face of true evil

World should beware of wee devils

Chiu on this
Andrea Chiu
C&C Editor

Some may say I hit my prime in Grade 2.

Everything in Grade 2 was great: playtime, soccer during recess and reading The Berenstain Bears. But most importantly, in Grade 2, I was tall – so tall that I got to stand in the back row of the class photo. Slowly, I was demoted further and further until I was finally in the front row of the class photo. If it weren't for the Japanese exchange student, I would have been the kid holding the sign with the date and class information on it.

Short people have suffered for years. We were the last kids in our group of friends allowed to ride "The Bat" at Canada's Wonderland. We had to sit on phone books at the dinner table until the age of 18 and to this day, we still can't see the singer at concerts. But despite these complaints, and constantly falling victim to countless short jokes, my time at Western has taught me how to turn this "vertical challenge" into a vertical advantage. It's about survival of the fittest and there are many reasons why short people live longer, happier lives.

Short people use tall people to protect themselves:

One benefit of being short is appearing innocent. For me, being a smiley Asian girl aids this misconception, but no matter our background, short people are smart, and we shouldn't be trusted. We don't necessarily like tall people; we've been using them as human shields. Take for example: lightning. Should it start to thunder and lightning this spring, who will lightning strike first? If it's not a tree, it's the tallest person outside. During the hot summer months, we take advantage of our taller friends (or sometimes, strangers), to use as shade to protect us from the heat. In the winter, they also serve as wind-blockers for the cold nights of waiting outside of bars or at bus stops.

Short people save money:

As our funds keep dwindling, new clothing is often a secondary priority. Thankfully, shopping at children's clothing stores is an easy solution. Not only does this increase selection, but children's clothes and shoes are cheaper and you don't have to pay GST.

In addition, if you have a baby face at 22, you can still get away with ordering the kid's meal (if you have no pride). It's cheaper and works best at establishments that offer free Shirley Temples or ice-cream sundaes.

One could argue that short people's bodies are easier to hide after a murder – which is true – but we're also far more able to hide our friends' luggage and smuggle ourselves into other parts of the world. We won't collect Air Miles, but we can scam a free trip.

Short people are short:

Shortness has its social downfalls. When not in friends' field of view, it's easy to be left out of conversations. But it's better to be unsociable than dead – with recent SARS fears, when ever someone sneezes, there is a higher possibility that the germs will literally fly over our heads.

Dear tall people, you think you're so much better than us with your big and tall clothing stores, long flailing limbs and athletic skill. But remember, not only do you have weaker bones, but the higher you are, the harder you fall.

Love, Andrea

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