over Care Bears?
Just over two months since his ejection from the Super Bowl for what
authorities called "an unfortunate incident involving Tampa Bay Buccaneers
coach Jon Gruden, a can of cannola oil, a bearskin rug and four pounds
of ground beef," the Gambling Man returns for the looming NHL playoffs.
Screw traditional hockey analysts. The only way to determine a winner
is to analyze the participants' team names in a one-on-one showdown. After
logic dictates a victor between two names, that team name advances to
take on another name, until a Stanley Cup champion is eventually apparent.
The Western Conference: Dallas Stars, Detroit Red Wings, Vancouver
Canucks, Colorado Avalanche, St. Louis Blues, Minnesota Wild, Anaheim
Mighty Ducks, Edmonton Oilers
To begin, let's compare an Oiler with a Star.
What have stars ever done for anybody? Ask yourself that? You wish upon
one, and the next day you still wake up in soiled bedsheets, surrounded
by empty vodka bottles, lying next to Charlie Sheen. Where's the justice?
Oilers produce the sweet syrup that keeps our ignorant,
over-consuming world turning Oiler it is.
An Oiler could subsequently beat a Canuck
(a Canadian would be far too reserved to take on a grizzled, veteran of
the oil industry) and a Mighty Duck (Walt Disney
may you burn in hell eternally), but would fall short when it comes to
battling a Red Wing. Why you ask? Well, what if the Red
Wing was the wing of the Red Baron's plane? Pretty scary, huh?
I thought so.
That brings me to a Wild what the hell is a Wild
and when can I hit whatever one is with a steel pipe? A Red Wing
versus an Avalanche? At first glance, you'd want to go
Red Wing, but what if the Red Baron's plane was grounded
because he was stopping for coffee then the Avalanche
would clearly get him. Finally, a great Blues song could
be written about an Avalanche, but I find it hard to
believe that a musical genre could defeat one of mother nature's most
The Eastern Conference: New Jersey Devils, Ottawa Senators, Tampa
Bay Lightning, Philadelphia Flyers, Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Islanders,
Boston Bruins, Washington Capitals
Since a Capital is simply a large letter of the alphabet,
I find it hard to believe that it could beat a Bruin,
which according to B-town hockey apparel, is apparently a large, ferocious
bear (does not apply if the letter in question is Z, which is certainly
not a letter anyone would want to meet in a dark alley). However, a Maple
Leaf, known for coming from a tree which also produces syrup,
may be able to bribe a bear into submission. Lightning can and often hits
trees goodbye Maple Leaf (I'm still crossing my
fingers and hoping lightning also hits U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald
Rumsfield). Lightning could likely also destroy a Flyer
(normally a publication filled with advertisements and useless community
news). A Senator, closely associated with the greatest
empire in history I'm talking Rome, not Sharealot, home of the
Carebears should conceivably be able to take a bolt of Lightning
and survive. However, could a Senator beat the Devil,
lord of eternal darkness? Probably not. But what if the Devil
was too preoccupied with getting a manicure and watching re-runs of Bosom
Buddies? Then you'd have to go with the wily Roman politician.
Stanley Cup Winner: Colorado (in six games). Because every empire must
fall, whether due to avalanche, plague or its decision to make Dr.
Phil a celebrity.