Volume 96, Issue 100
Tuesday, April 8, 2003

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SATIRE: Apocalypse loom

By Shannon Proudfoot
Gazette Staff

Recent unseasonably cold weather has some people convinced that the Apocalypse is approaching.

Citing flash ice storms and unprecedented spring snowfall as harbingers of the end of the world, many are attempting to make peace with a higher power before it's too late.

"Oh yeah, we promised the Lord if he would just spare us in Armageddon, we would donate all our life savings to that nice Pastor Jimmy on the TV," explained Sarnia resident Irma McInnis.

McInnis plans to donate more than $700 to Pastor Jimmy Snakeoil's Hour of Prayer Power, a religious television show taped in Butfock, Louisiana.

Snakeoil responded with enthusiasm to McInnis's devotion, asserting, "Oh yes, I spoke with Irma and told her the only way to avoid having her posterior burned on the fiery toilet seat of hell for all eternity was to send me all the money she'd saved picking up pop cans along the Lord's Highway 402."

However, more than just recent weather trends have the faithful concerned about an approaching Judgment Day.

Many consider the war in Iraq as further proof of the end, citing passages from Nostradomus's prophecies that appear to coincide with recent events.

"Nostradomus says that an oil-loving baboon will rise to power in a giant nation shortly before the end comes," explained Rita O'Doyle, a Western philosophy professor.

"This baboon will attack an evil mustachioed dictator using a barrage of crossbows and javelins," she continued, "All of this has come to pass – except for the crossbows and javelins part, I guess."

The frightening outbreak of SARS, Supreme Alpha Rat Syndrome, in Asia, and now in Canada, has been viewed as another sign of the coming Apocalypse.

Some individuals are trying to make the best of dangerous conditions by expressing their creative fashion sense in a practical way.

"The combat look is huge this season," explained New York Times fashion editor Felicia Leatherheel.

"It's all about the sexiness of camo, mosquito-netting and protective respiratory gear. Donna Karan has come out with a fabulous gas mask specially sized for the delicate bone structure of acutely anorexic socialites."

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2002 THE GAZETTE