The Purple Pipe finale:
Gazette sports picks 'em
By Jordan Bell, Ryan Hickman and Benjamin Mills
|THE PURPLE PIPE
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. Squash coach Jack Fairs shows the grin
of a lifetime.
The ballots are in,
the votes have been counted, and the winners announced the inaugural
Purple Pipe Awards Banquet was the gala to end all galas.
This being the first year of the big show, we should explain that the
Purple Pipe Award is to the Western Athletic Banquet what the Screen Actors
Guild Awards are to the Oscars inferior, but not by much. The "celebrities"
that showed up were few and far between. We did manage to corral The
Gazette's own Gambling Man, even though he was initially too busy
getting lap dances to hand out an award. So, to bridge the gap, we brought
the show to him.
The venue for this auspicious awards show was an upstanding "gentleman's
club" located in the classiest part of The Forest City. And although
the bouncers did hassle the Gambling Man for his repeated accosting of
the female dancers, his rowdiness was soon quelled with a little help
from a friend let's call him "ether."
|THE PIPE IS EASY
TO HANDLE. Anne Benedetti adds the pinnacle of awards to her accolades.
After the red carpet
was rolled out actually it was one of those plastic carpet protectors
you'd find at your grandmother's house coloured with red marker
and the several audience members had taken their seats, the lights hit
the stage, and we were ready to go.
The Masters of Ceremonies were the three bumbling Sports editors who haphazardly
put the awards show together and started handing out cylindrical Purple
Pipes like they were slangin' crack rock on a street corner.
First to receive an award was Western men's basketball team point guard
Jimmy Grozelle the man who dropped 50 points on the University
of Waterloo. Coincidentally, 50 is the same number of people at Waterloo
with actual social lives. Unfortunately, the podium was too high for Mr.
Grozelle, so his acceptance speech was not picked-up by the microphone
but we're sure it was short and sweet (pun intended).
|OH DAMN, IS THAT
TWO ROB NIGROS? The country's best university squasher gets the highest
athletic award ever.
As a consolation prize,
The Gazette's own Opinions editor, Tait Simpson, received a pair
of pants for his gold medal performance at The Gazette's annual
ping-pong tournament held in Collingwood.
Next up was Jack Fairs, coach of the world-renowned Western squash team.
He received the Purple Pipe's Lifetime Achievement Award for excellence
in coaching. His speech had to be cut short after 15 hours and 36 minutes,
so we started blaring Helix's "Rock You."
Another consolation award was given to The Gazette's Deputy editor,
Kristina Lundblad, for her complete lack of sporting and coaching knowledge
that helped lift The Gazette over University Students' Council
President Chris Sinal and his minions in the annual Gazette/USC football
game. Thanks to Kristina saying things like, "What's a down?"
and "What part of the chicken is bacon?" the USC cronies were
too confused to realize that a football game was going on, so we kicked
their fence-sitting asses. Gazette football rules!
Other awards were to be handed out, but one of the masters of ceremonies,
Ben Mills, stole the remaining Purple Pipes and used them for hooter-shooters.
He was found hours later with the Pipe in one hand and The Gambling Man
in the other.