Don't read this column
This week marks the beginning of two colossal events in every student's life this year: exams and the start of the National Hockey League playoffs.
We, as students, need to maintain a healthy level of sanity when studying for those pesky exams and I have a few solutions for those angst-ridden moments when you're forced to decide between watching the greatest show on ice or studying the anatomy of mice (I know, that was bad, but I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed).
Take a page out of the book of Homer Simpson; hide under a pile
of jackets at the back of the class and hope everything turns out for
the better. The odds on this working are slim to none, but if
you are a degenerate gambler, then "slim to none" looks pretty
damn good about now. Coincidentally, slim to none are the odds on this
column actually being funny.
When arguing about hockey with your buddies, throw in a few historical
figures to confuse them and test your own knowledge. If somebody
tells you that Marty Turco takes more shots than anyone in the league
(even though he doesn't), just tell them Rasputin took way more shots
than Turco. Only thing is, whereas Turco takes shots from rubber pucks,
Rasputin takes shots from lead pucks or bullets as they are called
Give your professor a face wash, jersey him, then stick him in
the ankle. Profs have weak ankles, so he or she will be too injured
to go on, thus cancelling your exam. And to score additional points, outline
an imaginary belt around your waist as you tower over his trembling body.
Exams, schmexams just watch hockey. What's not
to like when you rhyme a word with itself? Just add the prefix "schme"
to the second word, and you've got yourself more fun than a Barrel O'
Associate player names and numbers with things you need to study.
For example: Shaun Van Allen of Ottawa sounds just like Ethan
Allen, who led the Green Mountain Boys in the American Revolution. Furthermore,
Van Allen wears number 22, and in 1922 insulin was first used to treat
diabetes. See, it's easier than picking up at Old Chicougars.
Change the words to "The Hockey Song" to fit whatever
it is that you are studying. "Hello out there/ We're on
the air/ It's hockey night tonite..." would sound just as sweet if
it said, "Pi 'R' squared/ Is not the diamet-air/ but the circumference
of a circle" ... you get the picture.
Don't take a word of my advice. People seldom do. The
reason: I'm an idiot.
Thanks folks, it's been a trip. If you read my columns throughout the year, thank you and I'm sorry. If you didn't then go to hell. Now, in the immortal words of Adam Sandler: PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!