Volume 96, Issue 100
Tuesday, April 8, 2003

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Don't read this column

Them's the Breaks
Ben Mills
Sports Editor

This week marks the beginning of two colossal events in every student's life this year: exams and the start of the National Hockey League playoffs.

We, as students, need to maintain a healthy level of sanity when studying for those pesky exams and I have a few solutions for those angst-ridden moments when you're forced to decide between watching the greatest show on ice or studying the anatomy of mice (I know, that was bad, but I couldn't think of anything else that rhymed).

Take a page out of the book of Homer Simpson; hide under a pile of jackets at the back of the class and hope everything turns out for the better. The odds on this working are slim to none, but if you are a degenerate gambler, then "slim to none" looks pretty damn good about now. Coincidentally, slim to none are the odds on this column actually being funny.

When arguing about hockey with your buddies, throw in a few historical figures to confuse them and test your own knowledge. If somebody tells you that Marty Turco takes more shots than anyone in the league (even though he doesn't), just tell them Rasputin took way more shots than Turco. Only thing is, whereas Turco takes shots from rubber pucks, Rasputin takes shots from lead pucks – or bullets as they are called today.

Give your professor a face wash, jersey him, then stick him in the ankle. Profs have weak ankles, so he or she will be too injured to go on, thus cancelling your exam. And to score additional points, outline an imaginary belt around your waist as you tower over his trembling body.

Exams, schmexams – just watch hockey. What's not to like when you rhyme a word with itself? Just add the prefix "schme" to the second word, and you've got yourself more fun than a Barrel O' Monkeys.

Associate player names and numbers with things you need to study. For example: Shaun Van Allen of Ottawa sounds just like Ethan Allen, who led the Green Mountain Boys in the American Revolution. Furthermore, Van Allen wears number 22, and in 1922 insulin was first used to treat diabetes. See, it's easier than picking up at Old Chicougars.

Change the words to "The Hockey Song" to fit whatever it is that you are studying. "Hello out there/ We're on the air/ It's hockey night tonite..." would sound just as sweet if it said, "Pi 'R' squared/ Is not the diamet-air/ but the circumference – of a circle" ... you get the picture.

Don't take a word of my advice. People seldom do. The reason: I'm an idiot.

Thanks folks, it's been a trip. If you read my columns throughout the year, thank you and I'm sorry. If you didn't – then go to hell. Now, in the immortal words of Adam Sandler: PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!


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