Volume 96, Issue 100
Tuesday, April 8, 2003

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Pissin' away the bling-bling

Where's Chip?
Dale Wyatt
A&E Editor

You don't have to be a Robert Munch fan to know a promise is a promise. So when New York Rangers General Manager and coach Glen Sather got together with team owner James Dolan and promised the playoff-starved Rangers fans that the Blue Shirts would make the playoffs this year, (insert picture of Rangers putting their heads up their asses), they knew what they were saying.

But much like a child who learned his middle-aged, balding father was the tooth fairy, not a mystical pixie, Rangers fans were once again left disappointed for the sixth straight year.

Ever since his days in Edmonton, Sather has longed for the chance to use a seemingly limitless budget to construct a winning team. However, after spending $74 million this season alone, he has absolutely nothing to show for it.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the spectrum you have the President's Trophy winning Ottawa Senators who sit atop the NHL regular season throne with a measly $28 million payroll.

Seeing as how Sather clearly needs some advice when it comes to spending money, I've decided to give him some tips on the most effective way to waste $74 million.

My first step would be to acquire the unbeatable combo of Yosimity Sam and Bugs Bunny – or Lanny MacDonald and Wayne Gretzky as they prefer to be called. I would make them my personal instructors on life, love, duels at the crack of dawn and anything else I may encounter.

I figure I would have a more difficult time getting Lanny on board, since Wayne seems to be a bit of a money whore these days, lending himself to any advertising campaign he can. Maybe "The Great One" does it because he's hard up for money.

My next step would be to open my own special clinic to teach hockey players important lessons, including why spousal abuse is wrong (mandatory attendance for Patrick Roy), public speaking and that not washing your underwear during the playoffs is not cool.

I would also drop about $20 million to air my own commercial during the Super Bowl. The commercial would consist of me in a rocking chair, in my boxers, drinking a beer for about 15 seconds in dead silence. Then all it would say is "Just, cause I can."

It's my belief that whoever said money doesn't have to change you, just wasn't rich enough.

The rest of the money would go towards having the Rolling Stones play my birthday.

The point here is simple: you can't buy the Stanley Cup, so Sather, buddy, if you're going to continue trying to buy every high-priced player that hits the market without considering how that player will mesh with the rest of the team, you might as well just piss your money away on stupid things.

That way, at least you won't continually disappoint millions of fans while making yourself look like an ass.

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