December 3 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 53  

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Paris too slooty for Christmas

Congratulations — you’ve made it to the winter holiday break.

Back in the day, teachers simply referred to the holiday as the “Christmas Break.” Not here, though — in the university world, you’ve got to be uber-PC. Thus, the following month is generically referred to as the holiday break.

Your trusty friends at The Gazette are somewhat behind the times. As a result, we came up with the following list of people who can’t celebrate Christmas:

Al Capone: Mostly because of the syphilis (Santa’s no fan of the STDs) and also the fact that he’s long dead. Don’t get us wrong, criminals can still celebrate the holidays.

Michael Moore: He’s too busy rolling in his (hypocritical) piles of cash from his new book Dude, where’s my country?

Angry MIT students: They’re too busy being mad at the world to celebrate. Also, a last-second holiday surge in demand for their novel “I Love Blackmore” T-shirts forces the cynical crew to work like a bunch of amphetamine-jacked elves and make more of their hot COMMODITY.

ATMs: Because they have no legs. Because they take all your money. And because they’re machines.

Australians: Santa (or any non-denominational gift-giver, gift-taker, non-gift-giver or non-gift-taker) can’t land on houses that don’t have snow on their roof. Plus, he’s still mad at them for the whole Paul Hogan thing.

Austrians: Old St. Nick wasn’t pleased with Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming governor of California, and thus punished Arnie’s home country with a heavy hand. It doesn’t seem fair to us, but what are you going to do?

Kobe Bryant: It’s hard to know how to properly celebrate your last Christmas outside of jail. Oh, and the whole adultery thing probably didn’t endear him to his wife. As any jilted lover knows, it’s hard to be festive when you’re forced to make sweet love to captive elves instead of a trophy wife.

Paris Hilton: The star of The Simple Life is on Santa’s naughty list for all of her recent shenanigans. She’s also in the running for Mrs. Claus’ annual “Top Sloot of the Year Award.” Bet you didn’t know that one existed, did you?

Michael Jackson: Jackson’s inability to celebrate Christmas doesn’t stem from the latest accusations of child molestation. Rather, Santa’s still angry about the time Jacko tried to lure Rudolph into his lair.



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