Paris too slooty for Christmas
Congratulations — you’ve made
it to the winter holiday break.
Back in the day, teachers simply referred to the holiday as
the “Christmas Break.” Not here, though — in
the university world, you’ve got to be uber-PC. Thus,
the following month is generically referred to as the holiday
Your trusty friends at The Gazette are somewhat behind the
times. As a result, we came up with the following list of people
who can’t celebrate Christmas:
Al Capone: Mostly because of the syphilis (Santa’s no
fan of the STDs) and also the fact that he’s long dead.
Don’t get us wrong, criminals can still celebrate the
Michael Moore: He’s too busy rolling in his (hypocritical)
piles of cash from his new book Dude, where’s my country?
Angry MIT students: They’re too busy being mad at the
world to celebrate. Also, a last-second holiday surge in demand
for their novel “I Love Blackmore” T-shirts forces
the cynical crew to work like a bunch of amphetamine-jacked
elves and make more of their hot COMMODITY.
ATMs: Because they have no legs. Because they take all your
money. And because they’re machines.
Australians: Santa (or any non-denominational gift-giver,
gift-taker, non-gift-giver or non-gift-taker) can’t land
on houses that don’t have snow on their roof. Plus, he’s
still mad at them for the whole Paul Hogan thing.
Austrians: Old St. Nick wasn’t pleased with Arnold Schwarzenegger
becoming governor of California, and thus punished Arnie’s
home country with a heavy hand. It doesn’t seem fair
to us, but what are you going to do?
Kobe Bryant: It’s hard to know how to properly celebrate
your last Christmas outside of jail. Oh, and the whole adultery
thing probably didn’t endear him to his wife. As any
jilted lover knows, it’s hard to be festive when you’re
forced to make sweet love to captive elves instead of a trophy
Paris Hilton: The star of The Simple Life is on Santa’s
naughty list for all of her recent shenanigans. She’s
also in the running for Mrs. Claus’ annual “Top
Sloot of the Year Award.” Bet you didn’t know that
one existed, did you?
Michael Jackson: Jackson’s inability to celebrate Christmas
doesn’t stem from the latest accusations of child molestation.
Rather, Santa’s still angry about the time Jacko tried
to lure Rudolph into his lair.