December 3 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 53  

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NEWS

Does this mean what it says?

Thrust n' Perry
Dan Perry

News Editor

Our language is in a state of disrepair. As the news department’s only English major, I give you a dozen translations guaranteed to help navigate our broken dialect.

1. Have a nice day: This one tries really hard. A bubbly coffee server can occasionally convince you it’s legit, but don’t be fooled. Translation: “Get the fuck out of line; there’s someone behind you.”

2. Sorry for any inconvenience: No, you’re not. This phrase equates to a big dose of, “we’re going to do whatever the hell we want, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
3. We should really get together sometime: I’ve heard that a few thousand times now. I’ve stopped listening. Yeah, I heard you... you said, “You’re really not important enough for me to make time for you.” Got it.

4. Fuck you Dan Perry, and fuck The Gazette too: No wait, people usually mean that.

5. Thank you for your concern: Popular response to overbearing employers or co-workers, and especially parents who feel the need to remind you of absolutely everything. A childish, “You’re not the boss of me!” would be equally effective.

6. I look forward to your reply: Usually employed in e-mails. I only look forward to your reply because I don’t want to wait for it any longer. Translation: “I’m an impatient reporter” (Hey, no one’s perfect).

7. Interesting: e.g. “How was your weekend?” “It was... interesting.” Multiple translations here: 1) I don’t remember, 2) I don’t want to talk about it and 3) It’s too much to get into. You get nothing out of this word. The user intends to shut down discussion; ironically, it begs that you ask for more information. Translation of choice: “You know I’ll end up telling you, I’m just dragging it out to piss you off.”

8. Dude/Man/Guy/Buddy: The classic way to pass ignorance off as camaraderie. Best equated to, “I forget your name and I’m afraid to ask.”

9. Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you?: Girls, you’re not fooling anybody. See term four.

10. I’d really appreciate that: When you do something your boss would “really appreciate,” does your boss take any time to consider all the factors that went into your performance? Ha! Translation: “Do it. Now.”

11. No: Easily the most sensitive word in the language. I still can’t figure this one out.

12. Thank you for your input: A professor’s best friend, used to keep the professor’s other best friend — the dumbass who “contributes” to the lecture by comparing the subject matter to the mating habits of lemurs — subdued. Synonym of “Shut the hell up, please.”

 

 

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