Bush gets advice from cast of characters
Forgoing my essays and exams this November,
I decided instead to devote my energy to building a time machine,
my initial intention being to travel back in time and finish
my tests and assignments ahead of deadline.
But the Christmas season got the best of me and I decided
to use it to give the world, particularly United States President
George W. Bush, a gift. So I travelled back in time to discuss
the problems in Iraq with the many past conquerors of Iraq.
I met with Alexander the Great, who conquered most of the
known world, including present-day Iraq in 330 BC, in the hopes
he would give me a little advice on conquering the world and
making goat cheese.
He insisted I call him “Al to the G,” but he was
a little more forthcoming in his advice to Bush: “Shit,
my bizzle, all you gotta dizzle is the Saddamizzle. Then you
shizzle the rizzle and keep the oilizzle, ya dizzle?”
I didn’t understand what he was saying at first, but
then we smoked a spliff and shared a 40 of Colt 45 in the parking
lot of his palace. I finally answered him, “Al to the
Gizzle, you’re the shiznit-dizzle.”
I decided another opinion would be needed, so I journeyed
through time to visit another conqueror. This time Genghis
Khan seemed like a logical choice. After all, he did conquer
and kill a lot of people during the Middle Ages in what is
I caught up with him when he was not only chopping off prisoners’ heads,
but giving them an elbow drop after it was all done. Between
elbow drops, he stroked his fu manchu moustache, then pointed
out his love for the Swedes and their meatballs.
“I believe this Bush fellow should simply hug his opponents
and hopefully they will just give up the fighting and everyone
will get along. If love doesn’t work then he should butcher
all of the men and eat their livers, go bowling with the women’s
heads; make gigantic necklaces out of their children and spare
no one but the puppies,” the nefarious Khan explained.
My next trip in time took me into the future, where I was
able to meet with the leader of an army of mutated communist
moles, all of whom had underwent plastic surgery to look like
Steve Buscemi. It was a horrible, weasely world and I was forced
to leave in terror after they tried to make me work in their
With all of this in mind, the only advice I can give to the
president regarding Iraq is that he shouldn’t have gotten
into this mess without consulting the appropriate historical
figures; their Dorito-loving wisdom and their desire for elbow
drops would have been the shizzle.