December 3 , 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 53  

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NEWS

Bush gets advice from cast of characters

Marshall Law
Marshall Bellamy

News Editor

Forgoing my essays and exams this November, I decided instead to devote my energy to building a time machine, my initial intention being to travel back in time and finish my tests and assignments ahead of deadline.

But the Christmas season got the best of me and I decided to use it to give the world, particularly United States President George W. Bush, a gift. So I travelled back in time to discuss the problems in Iraq with the many past conquerors of Iraq.

I met with Alexander the Great, who conquered most of the known world, including present-day Iraq in 330 BC, in the hopes he would give me a little advice on conquering the world and making goat cheese.

He insisted I call him “Al to the G,” but he was a little more forthcoming in his advice to Bush: “Shit, my bizzle, all you gotta dizzle is the Saddamizzle. Then you shizzle the rizzle and keep the oilizzle, ya dizzle?”

I didn’t understand what he was saying at first, but then we smoked a spliff and shared a 40 of Colt 45 in the parking lot of his palace. I finally answered him, “Al to the Gizzle, you’re the shiznit-dizzle.”

I decided another opinion would be needed, so I journeyed through time to visit another conqueror. This time Genghis Khan seemed like a logical choice. After all, he did conquer and kill a lot of people during the Middle Ages in what is present-day Iraq.

I caught up with him when he was not only chopping off prisoners’ heads, but giving them an elbow drop after it was all done. Between elbow drops, he stroked his fu manchu moustache, then pointed out his love for the Swedes and their meatballs.

“I believe this Bush fellow should simply hug his opponents and hopefully they will just give up the fighting and everyone will get along. If love doesn’t work then he should butcher all of the men and eat their livers, go bowling with the women’s heads; make gigantic necklaces out of their children and spare no one but the puppies,” the nefarious Khan explained.

My next trip in time took me into the future, where I was able to meet with the leader of an army of mutated communist moles, all of whom had underwent plastic surgery to look like Steve Buscemi. It was a horrible, weasely world and I was forced to leave in terror after they tried to make me work in their Dorito-growing fields.

With all of this in mind, the only advice I can give to the president regarding Iraq is that he shouldn’t have gotten into this mess without consulting the appropriate historical figures; their Dorito-loving wisdom and their desire for elbow drops would have been the shizzle.

 

 

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