Volume 96, Issue 75
Thursday, February 12, 2003

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Pedro takes a shot at prez

The University Students' Council presidential elections are in full swing and visions of political power are dancing like sugarplums in the heads of this year's candidates.

However, only one candidate combines the political prowess, elegant beard and mythological roots that have been missing for so long from the USC's political corridors. Many of you got to know him this year in the pages of The Gazette's Weekend Edition; his vision is legendary, his pointed cap has been called "uber-sexy" and he is our dream candidate for USC president.

Ladies, gentlemen and "little people," Pedro the gnome could be the champion of your student body.

Born in Norway in 1442, Pedro has been a student in classical mythology at Western since 1999, and The Gazette's photo mascot since last September.

Pedro's vast leadership experience stems from having guarded flower beds and garden creatures on and off for over five centuries. In addition to being VP-accessibility and accountability on the Magical Beast Awareness Council between 1985 and 1989, he has also slept under the bed of every Saugeen-Maitland Hall residence president since his arrival on campus, learning a great deal through osmosis.

With his spirited campaign slogan of "I am Gnome-man," Pedro believes the USC is nothing but a "Big People festival" and would like to see more diversity on council, citing an alarming lack of gnome representation.

His campaign pledges include gnome-sized bathroom urinals, "doggy doors" at the entrance of every building and ensuring at least one centaur is elected to the USC Board of Directors, as well as pressuring Western administration for repairs underneath the University College bridge for all of his "troll peeps." In addition, Pedro is against more microwaves in the UCC – understandably, for he is plastic and could easily be placed inside one.

Some are concerned with Pedro's periodic threats of "rake violence" against those who oppose him, but we believe this will only aid him when bargaining with administration and local politicians.

Under a Pedro presidency, the USC would organize "Operation Minuscules," not "Operation Massives," and he promises to use his wily enchantments to physically shrink the incoming double cohort, instantly taking care of concerns over class size and overcrowding on campus. In addition, Pedro would not strive to be a publicity hound, as his bearded countenance has already graced the media spotlight countless times.

Pedro for USC president: Move over "Big People" – good things come in small, bearded packages.




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