Volume 96, Issue 76
Thursday, February 13, 2003

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V-Day viewing: Julia Roberts vs. hockey

Shukvision
Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff

Valentine's Day is here again, and I've got big plans. I'm going to get a flashlight and a bullhorn and spend the day walking around the fifth floor of Weldon library. But even though my dance card is full, I'm going to help the less fortunate with a few tips on how to make your V-Day as good as the one back in 1945.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mark, you sheep-stealing communist. You're going to encourage people to stay home and watch TV on Valentine's Day to make yourself look less pathetic for doing the same thing every other year."

Well, I bite my thumb at you, sir! And, in another, more accurate way, you're right. Our friend the television can play a large role in getting your mack on. For example, putting on romantic music by Barry White or the Beastie Boys is crucial in "setting the mood." If music can do this, then TV (with the added visual component) should logically be twice as good!

There is plenty of romantic programming to choo-choo-choose from on Friday night. Nothing says romance like an hour of America's Funniest Home Videos. What better on a crotch-focussed holiday than a show featuring suburban dads getting groined?

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit is about a killer with a foot fetish, so you might want to avoid that one if you're in the process of massaging your date. PBS has Wall $treet Week, which is sure to increase a few heart rates over at Ivey.

And to see the formation of several sure-to-be-meaningful, long-term relationships, TNN has a Blind Date marathon. If only every relationship had insightful and witty thought bubbles. Frankly, it's amazing that the clowns on that show have thoughts at all.

TSN teaches us that violence can be shared between both genders on this special day. They're broadcasting hockey, followed by women's boxing. It's enough to make one wipe away a tear, or possibly blood from an open wound.

If regular network shows don't float your boat, never fear, some channels have movies instead. There's Notting Hill, starring the prostitute-soliciting Hugh Grant and the man-eating teeth of Julia Roberts. Speaking of Julia and prostitutes, Pretty Woman is also on.

If you want to escape the clutches of Miss Roberts, there is always On Deadly Ground, the 1994 Steven Seagal "film." You might think this an odd choice for Valentine's Day, but besides attempting to kill oil tycoon Michael Caine, Seagal also pursues a relationship with an Inuit woman played by Joan Chen (who is actually Chinese, but details, schmetails). It's like Casablanca, only with more exploding oil factories.

So all in all, there's plenty of stuff to have on in the background while you and your loved one(s) do the hunka chunka (TM Sylvester Stallone). After all, you can't spell "Valentine" without "TV."

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