V-Day viewing: Julia
Roberts vs. hockey
Valentine's Day is here again, and I've got big plans. I'm going to get
a flashlight and a bullhorn and spend the day walking around the fifth
floor of Weldon library. But even though my dance card is full, I'm going
to help the less fortunate with a few tips on how to make your V-Day as
good as the one back in 1945.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Mark, you sheep-stealing communist.
You're going to encourage people to stay home and watch TV on Valentine's
Day to make yourself look less pathetic for doing the same thing every
Well, I bite my thumb at you, sir! And, in another, more accurate way,
you're right. Our friend the television can play a large role in getting
your mack on. For example, putting on romantic music by Barry White or
the Beastie Boys is crucial in "setting the mood." If music
can do this, then TV (with the added visual component) should logically
be twice as good!
There is plenty of romantic programming to choo-choo-choose from on Friday
night. Nothing says romance like an hour of America's Funniest Home
Videos. What better on a crotch-focussed holiday than a show featuring
suburban dads getting groined?
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit is about a killer with a foot
fetish, so you might want to avoid that one if you're in the process of
massaging your date. PBS has Wall $treet Week, which is sure
to increase a few heart rates over at Ivey.
And to see the formation of several sure-to-be-meaningful, long-term relationships,
TNN has a Blind Date marathon. If only every relationship had
insightful and witty thought bubbles. Frankly, it's amazing that the clowns
on that show have thoughts at all.
TSN teaches us that violence can be shared between both genders on this
special day. They're broadcasting hockey, followed by women's boxing.
It's enough to make one wipe away a tear, or possibly blood from an open
If regular network shows don't float your boat, never fear, some channels
have movies instead. There's Notting Hill, starring the prostitute-soliciting
Hugh Grant and the man-eating teeth of Julia Roberts. Speaking of Julia
and prostitutes, Pretty Woman is also on.
If you want to escape the clutches of Miss Roberts, there is always On
Deadly Ground, the 1994 Steven Seagal "film." You might
think this an odd choice for Valentine's Day, but besides attempting to
kill oil tycoon Michael Caine, Seagal also pursues a relationship with
an Inuit woman played by Joan Chen (who is actually Chinese, but details,
schmetails). It's like Casablanca, only with more exploding oil
So all in all, there's plenty of stuff to have on in the background while
you and your loved one(s) do the hunka chunka (TM Sylvester Stallone).
After all, you can't spell "Valentine" without "TV."