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Can't live with 'em and I am one

Chiu on this
Andrea Chiu
C&C Editor

Dear straight girls,

I know the thought has crossed your mind. After John, or Brad, or Mark, or Tom broke your heart when he forgot to call you — or never called you in the first place — you thought “life would be so much easier if I liked girls.” Allow me to let you in on a little secret — it’s not.

I’ll elaborate:

First of all, it’s not easy meeting datable girls. Unless you’re meeting lesbians and bi-sexual girls at some unknown secret location, there really aren’t many options. I’ve heard of mythical lesbian potlucks, but no one’s ever invited me to one, so I can only conclude from experience that it’s slim pickings.

It’s one thing to look at your circle of friends and think that they’re all lovely single women (who are all probably straight), but it’s another thing to actually find a datable gay girl. Which brings me to my next point:

You never can tell who’s actually gay. Some girls may appear to be “a little fruity,” but with the increasing popularity of short haircuts, piercings and unique styles, these straight girls only serve to torture us with their untouchable presence. It’s all very tragic.

Some speak of something called “gaydar,” like a siren goes off when a lesbian is within a five-kilometre radius. This is also a mythical construct; I couldn’t spot a lesbian if she threw her entire Indigo Girls CD collection at me.

If you’re lucky enough to find a nice girl to date, good for you — but God be with you, you’re in for an emotional roller coaster. It may seem simple enough: she’s a young woman, you’re a young woman. You share a connection, so there must not be any mind games, right? Wrong.

Females are far more emotional than males, so, girls, think of it this way, it’s kind of like dating yourself: double the insecurity, and double the over-analyzing — double the emotion.

On top of that, when you two break up and you think it’s all over, it’s really not. Because surprise: lesbian breakups stretch out over long periods of time. If it was a good relationship, the two of you will probably attempt to be friends, which leads to an attempt to get back together (only to fail once or twice). If it was a bad relationship, you’ll both end up bitter and attend a witchcraft class to learn how to cast spells on the other.

I could go into detail about ridiculous identity politics and incestuous lesbian communities, but there is not enough space for it here. Just take these words of wisdom to heart: Dating another woman has its benefits, but it’s definitely not all rainbows and lollipops, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Editor’s note: Andrea likes sushi, puppies and girls (and boys) who play the guitar