Volume 96, Issue 71
Wednesday, February 5, 2003

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Eddy and Me: The College Years

Chris Lackner

By my very nature, I'm a bit of a dreamer.

Recently, after watching a Toronto Maple Leafs game, my imagination trolley (think Mr. Roger's trolley, with the destination being far creepier) embarked on a vibrant new journey.

My roommates throughout university have been fairly good guys. However, when I think of a potential roommate who could have embodied the spirit of university with every fibre of his unshaven and beer-soaked being, I'd have to go with the Leafs goaltender Eddy Belfour. Here is a look at our potential lives together, which I've entitled: Crazy Eddy and Me: The College Years.

9 a.m. I wake up for my 10 a.m. class. The front door to the house is open; Eddy is snoring and lying naked, in a heap on the floor of our living room. He is surrounded by cans of Molson Canadian and nacho chips, and appears to be covered in a mixture of stale beer and salsa. Two stray dogs appear to be eating off of his belly. I shudder, usher out Eddy's canine companions, and head for class.

12 p.m. I return to the house for a brief lunch – no change in Eddy's condition. Oddly enough, the stray dogs have appeared to find a way back in, even though I locked the door. I'm beginning to think they may have spare keys.

3 p.m. I return home to find Eddy playing a game of pick-up in front of the house with the neighborhood kids. He is still naked, but protected from full exposure to the elements by his goalie equipment. Eddy's infamous goalie mask/beer hat is in full effect. The game abruptly ends when Eddy strangles one of the kids for taunting his goaltending performance. Eddy bribes the kids dad from pressing charges by offering him 10 pounds of sausage.

5 p.m. Shortly after the sausage bribery, I begin drinking with Eddy. We have a soulful, introspective conversation about the greater meaning of life. "Do you think I'll ever comprehend women Eddy?" Eddy grunts while feverishly devouring a bucket of chicken wings. Thankfully, he is finally wearing clothes. "I love hookers," is his only response. I nod in appreciation – Eddy always has the right answer.

5:30 p.m. Eddy and I engage in a raging pillow fight, then I do his hair.

3:45 a.m. The previous 10 hours have passed in a mad blur. I think the blurring begins when Theo Fleury makes an impromptu visit. Throughout the evening, Eddy wins a kareoke contest, causes three bar fights, leads Theo and me on a mission to toilet paper the dean's house, sleeps with the dean's daughter, picks up five hookers, gets us thrown into the drunk tank and finally bribes the cops with hookers, yet more sausage and the promise that, in the future, he will be a starting goaltender for the Maple Leafs and lead them back to a Stanley Cup Championship.

4 a.m. The cops release us. Afterall, Eddy is a good guy, and the last bribe is just too good resist.


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