Volume 96, Issue 57
Friday, January 10, 2003

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Pan versus the clitoris

The Gambler enters the second round of the NFL playoffs at an all-time personal low – even lower than the time he was on LSD and thought Cindy Crawford was eating whipped cream off his belly and it turned out to be his beagle Sam. In The Gazette's Christmas edition, he picked the eight remaining teams who would engage in four-down battle this weekend – miserably, he only got four right – Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. Despite having the prognostication skills of a decapitated, punch-drunk chicken, he returns to his crystal ball for another week.

Gambling Man's alcoholism and uncanny ability to suck at predicting were passed down by his great, great aunt Geraldine, who read stick symbols and cards, divulging the future to the citizens of a small town during the 18th century – she later became the town rummy and a local hussy. He couldn't be prouder.

This week, The Gambling Man decided to devise a new prediction strategy. He asked members of The Gazette editorial team to write eight random people, places or things on pieces of paper, which he proceeded to draw out of a hat and assign to each football team. By comparing each team's new symbol to their opponents (noted in brackets), the Gambler picked the weekend's victors.



Pittsburgh (the clitoris) @ Tennessee (Peter Pan) – At first glance, one might envision an epic battle between these two all-powerful entities. However, the clitoris is a tough foe to master by even the best of men, and how much experience could Peter Pan have with clitoris when he comes from Never land? Sorry Peter. You may fly, but there are some tricks even you can't turn.
PICK: PITTSBURGH



Atlanta (The Roman Empire) @ Philadelphia (The Ghostbusters) – The symbols have spoken.
PICK: EAGLES


San Francisco (a porcupine) @ Tampa Bay (a windmill) – At first glance, you'd have to go with the porcupine, considering the porcupine is spiky, a living/breathing animal and would make a hell of an offensive lineman. However, what if the windmill was on fire and the porcupine was trapped inside eating nachos? Then again, what if this entire prediction was all a bad dream? Keep pinching yourself.
PICK: BUCCANEERS



N.Y. JETS (scurvy) @ OAKLAND (Ted Danson's toupee) – There's no way even I can draw battle analogies between scurvy and Danson's toupee. However, to the Jets QB Chad Pennington – show them it wasn't a fluke.
PICK: JETS



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