Pan versus the
The Gambler enters
the second round of the NFL playoffs at an all-time personal low
even lower than the time he was on LSD and thought Cindy Crawford was
eating whipped cream off his belly and it turned out to be his beagle
Sam. In The Gazette's Christmas edition, he picked the eight
remaining teams who would engage in four-down battle this weekend
miserably, he only got four right Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh
and Philadelphia. Despite having the prognostication skills of a decapitated,
punch-drunk chicken, he returns to his crystal ball for another week.
Gambling Man's alcoholism and uncanny ability to suck at predicting were
passed down by his great, great aunt Geraldine, who read stick symbols
and cards, divulging the future to the citizens of a small town during
the 18th century she later became the town rummy and a local hussy.
He couldn't be prouder.
This week, The Gambling Man decided to devise a new prediction strategy.
He asked members of The Gazette editorial team to write eight random people,
places or things on pieces of paper, which he proceeded to draw out of
a hat and assign to each football team. By comparing each team's new symbol
to their opponents (noted in brackets), the Gambler picked the weekend's
Pittsburgh (the clitoris) @ Tennessee (Peter Pan)
At first glance, one might envision an epic battle between these two all-powerful
entities. However, the clitoris is a tough foe to master by even the best
of men, and how much experience could Peter Pan have with clitoris when
he comes from Never land? Sorry Peter. You may fly, but there are some
tricks even you can't turn.
Atlanta (The Roman Empire) @ Philadelphia (The Ghostbusters)
The symbols have spoken.
San Francisco (a porcupine) @ Tampa Bay (a windmill)
At first glance, you'd have to go with the porcupine, considering
the porcupine is spiky, a living/breathing animal and would make a hell
of an offensive lineman. However, what if the windmill was on fire and
the porcupine was trapped inside eating nachos? Then again, what if this
entire prediction was all a bad dream? Keep pinching yourself.
N.Y. JETS (scurvy) @ OAKLAND (Ted Danson's toupee)
There's no way even I can draw battle analogies between scurvy and Danson's
toupee. However, to the Jets QB Chad Pennington show them it wasn't
Season record 26-15