Volume 96, Issue 60
Thursday, January 16, 2003

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A letter to Dalton McGuintry
Beer money key to politics

Fuh getta 'bout it
Paolo Zinatelli
News Editor

Dear Mr. Dalton McGuinty, Ontario Liberal Party leader,

As is painfully obvious to all residents of Ontario, a provincial election is on the way. As you have never held a position of power before, I have taken it upon myself to inform you what you must do in order to become the next premier.

To begin with, spend more on health care. No more three-hour waits in a hospital emergency room to see a surly nurse and cranky doctor, who then kick you out after treatment as soon as possible because the old lady bleeding from the head in the waiting room needs your spot.

As well, in the health care area, enact legislation making it illegal for doctors to play elevator music in their offices, so they no longer inflict mental anguish on an already sick individual, as they wait 45 minutes in the waiting room and another 45 in the exam room. When you're feeling like crap already, the melodic version of that damn Titanic song by Celine Dion doesn't help.

Next up, you need to address post-secondary funding. More money is needed in the system, and tuition should be lowered –recently, it has increased at an incredible rate in Ontario. You could enact legislation stating that any increase in tuition must be put to the student body first. If you are able to justify why it must be raised – fine. If the students don't buy the bullshit argument they are given, a pack of hungry, rabid, steroid-induced lions can be set loose upon you, and may they do with you what they will.

Now, nothing personal Mr. McGuinty, but you must become more aware of your public image. Take a cue from Mr. Eves. The people of Ontario want to be able to see their reflection in the polish of your hair. You could even be used to perform a public good –perhaps blinding a sniper on the roof of Queen's Park with your incredibly shiny hair. Hair gel ain't so bad after all.

As well, I'm not sure if you know this – I hope I'm not the first to tell you – but you act a little too much like a robot. Or rather, a little bit like Al Gore if he were turned into a robot and his joints were rusted so he could barely move. Loosen up buddy – you can't have that much stress right now. I mean, it's not like you're leading the largest province in the country and governing a population that cares more about Mel Lastman and Jean Chrétien than they ever will about you. You're only the Opposition leader – you don't have the real job yet.

Mr. McGuinty – Dalton – can I call you Dalton? Well, it doesn't really matter. Dalton, listen up, buddy. This next piece of advice is crucial. If you listen to what I say here, you could bring students out en masse voting for you and your pretend party.

Here it is. You ready for it? OK. OSAP helps to pay for thousands of Ontario students' schooling. Currently, it covers tuition and maybe a book or two. What you should do is factor drinking money into this equation. Tack the amount of money that an average student consumes in a year on to the cheque. You do that, and you'd have new friends forever.

So, there you have it. My little guide on how to become the next leader of this province. If you implement any of these suggestions, I will of course require that you put me on the government payroll and allow me to collect a government pension when I retire at age 25. If you don't, I hope you enjoy your time in hell (i.e. front row at a Celine Dion Las Vegas concert).

Yours truly,
Paolo Zinatelli


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