Volume 94, Issue 63
Wednesday, January 22, 2003

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The Princess of Middlesex

The presidents of Canada's 10 biggest research-intensive universities will hold their bi-annual meeting at Western in April.

For students who may be unsure of Western's status on the A-list of Canadian universities, here are the top 10 signs that Western is one of the G-10 schools:

Squirrels with gold teeth: Careful inspection will reveal a glint of "bling bling" in the rabid mouths of these horrifying campus mascots. Administration is considering outfitting each animal with a pastel flower and adorable Disney-esque eyelashes for the double cohort year.

Free cosmetic surgery on admission: Any student who possesses the academic qualifications for admission, but falls below Western's H.Q. (Hotness Quotient) qualifies. An investigation is pending regarding several Gazette editors who slipped in under the wire.

The enchanted princess of Middlesex Tower:
Many moons ago, an evil chancellor cast a spell on the most beautiful undergraduate in the land. Now she is doomed to pass her days locked in the tower until a dashing French knight rescues her with the kiss of true love (with tongue).

Ivey's ode to Elenor: Inspired by the criminal business tactics of Western's chancellor Elenor Clitheroe, every class in the Richard Ivey School of Business comes equipped with its very own "Elenor Alter" for HBA candidates to draw inspiration from.

Once a country club, always a country club: The many "important" people on campus zipping by in golf carts during Orientation Week recall Western's golf course roots. A petition is under way to begin beer cart service during class changes.

Our castle-like residences: Many students are unaware that much of Harry Potter was filmed on Western's campus. Unfortunately, an adorable bespectacled British boy is now believed missing in the tunnels beneath Med-Syd.

We have our own river: The Thames is a scenic and toxic addition to campus geography, but few people know about the gondolas system available to transport Western students to their classes.

Hotdog Lady to be replaced by Hut O' Caviar: Catering to Western students' more sophisticated tastes, the beloved Femme Saucise will be upgraded for next September. Plans are also in the works to install a champagne fountain in the rock garden across from Talbot College.

Red carpets between all buildings:
This allows all the fashion conscious at Western to avoid soiling their $300 stiletto boots with snow, rain or dog poop. If revenues from the double cohort are sufficient, moving sidewalks will be installed on UC Hill.

Our faculty have never been on strike: Well... in any case, watch for further developments.



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