Volume 96, Issue 65
Friday, January 24, 2003

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Gambler hates crackers, takes Raiders

The Gambling Man enters Super Bowl weekend with a 28-19 record for the season; he also enters the weekend without any more faith in humanity.

Last week, the Gambler based his predictions on his firm belief in men with beards. However, the losses suffered by the facial-haired coaches of Philadelphia and Tennessee destroyed his belief in all things beautiful. To make matters worse, two teams with pirate perosnas have made the championship game. The Gambler has been mortal enemies with pirates since they made his father Kenny walk the plank in 1981, and left the prognosticating hero to be raised on a tropical island by a family of Spanish-speaking parrots. To this day, he still hates the taste of crackers.



Tampa Bay vs. Oakland:
In commemoration of my last column, here are some highlights from my year of football divination.

No. of times the word mermaid appeared in a column: 5

No. of times "sweet mermaid lovin'" appeared: 1

No. of times Minnesota WR Randy Moss's home was referred to as "tit-weasel island": 1

Sexual body parts featured in column: tit (2), balls (2), groin (3), clitoris (1)

References to throwing balloons full of creamed corn at police officers: 1

No. of times Charlie Sheen was mentioned painted as a clown, while naked on a bicycle: 1

No. of times Tampa Bay coach John Gruden was mentioned topless, smothered in honey: 1

No. of times I wished Jack Tripper was my dad: 1

No. of times actual real football knowledge was provided: 0

PICK: RAIDERS

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2002 THE GAZETTE