Volume 96, Issue 68
Thursday, January 30, 2003

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A man's big decision: 1 or 2 tickets to Charity Ball?

Bell Tolls
Jordan Bell
Sports Editor

To be single or not to be single: That is thy question?

Duc de la Rochefoucauld said, "If one judges love by its visible effects, it looks more like hatred than like friendship."

Is that true? Well folks, decide for yourself. Here's the breakdown:

a) On Valentine's night, men in relationships across the globe will be breakin' bedposts. Meanwhile, bachelors will have a tube sock and the latest edition of Drunk Choir Chicks Gone Bad handy. ("Those prissy choir girl chicks are hot!")

Relationship bliss: 1, Bachelordom: 0

b) Bachelors spend a majority of their time in Future Shop; handcuffed men spend a majority of their time in Pottery Barn.

Relationship bliss: 1, Bachelordom: 1

c) Ball-less men are forced into fights about such mundane details as leaving the toilet seat up, not saying "I love you" for the 987,234 time and the dreaded "M" word, while a bachelor's largest fight is the one in his brain pertaining to which cereal he should eat in the morning, Captain Crunch or Lucky Charms.

Bachelordom: 2, Relationship bliss: 1

d) Involved men seemingly find a way to alienate every friend they possibly had – even Billy from sports camp in 1983 – by spending every waking, sleeping, eating, thinking, looking – give me another verb – moment with their significant other.

Bachelordom: 3, Relationship bliss: 1

d) Makeup sex.

Bachelordom: 3, Relationship bliss: 2

e) Single men have to douse themselves with cologne and pay $75,000 (taxi and beer) to go out to the local watering hole in the hopes of showing someone who's their daddy (preferably a cougar at Old Chicago), eventually getting shutdown like a Gazette editor at a... well, basically anywhere.

Just a squirrel trying to get a nut: 3, Relationship bliss: 3

f) They can take Augusta National, but they can never take our freedom!

Sorry, I just felt like saying that one.

g) The free and easy have sex; the attached make love. One involves a wham-bham-thank-you-ma'am philosophy, with no responsibility, while the other involves... well, you know what it involves.

Relationship bliss: 3 1/2, Bachelordom: 3 1/2

h) Hitched dudes get to utilize their manly instinctual nature when their girlfriend jumps into their arms after Bloody Mary gets bloody murdered in a horror movie, while the single boys get to caress that inflatable doll they bought on that lonely night in late January... shit, that was last night.

Relationship bliss: 4 1/2, Bachelordom: 3 1/2

i) Single guys get to sing "Kumbaya" on the beach, eat vegetarian lasagna under candlelight, hold hands in the park, look at the stars through a smog covered sky and shop for shoes for a longtime.

Bachelordom: 4 1/2, Relationship bliss: 4 1/2

Well, there you have it, the age-old question remains in limbo. There are advantages and disadvantages to both lifestyle options. Therefore, if you enter the realm of relationship, realize it poses a clear and present danger, but it can also bring serendipity.

And for the record, I don't have a copy of Drunk Choir Chicks Gone Bad... honest.




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