Volume 96, Issue 69
Friday, January 31, 2003

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NEWS FOR DUMMIES
Our Lord Dick Cheney

By Emmett Macfarlane
Gazette Staff

Western students may have missed a packed week of news, so here's your weekly fill – Gazette style.

United States President George W. Bush gave his State of the Union Address Tuesday.

Primarily an attempt to quell fears about the economy and lay the groundwork for a war with Iraq, Bush's speech ended on a more evangelical note.

"The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is God's gift to humanity," Bush said. "We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving God behind all of life, and all of history."

Following the address, a 1-800 number scrolled across the screen, telling viewers where they could send offerings in the name of Our Lord and Savior: Dick Cheney.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl last Sunday in San Diego, out-duelling the Oakland Raiders 48-21. Raiders fans proceeded to trash Oakland by rioting and setting cars on fire. John Madden would be spinning in his grave (if they knew enough to finally bury him). Soccer fans across Europe mocked the Oakland rioters, offering to teach those "wankers" how to cause some real destruction.

Jack Layton was selected as the new leader of the New Democratic Party at a convention in Toronto on Saturday. The victory party was an extremely joyous affair, as Layton shared a six-pack and a bag of chips with the three guys that voted for him.

Defence Minister John McCallum responded to a question from Progressive Conservative MP Elsie Wayne by making fun of her sweater this week. In the House of Commons, Wayne asked a question about whether efforts were being made to ensure Canadian military forces could be identified in the field to prevent another "friendly fire" incident, such as the one that killed four Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan last year.

McCallum responded by suggesting soldiers would be clearly identified if they wore sweaters like the one Wayne was wearing. He later apologized, upon realizing there is no way Canada's military budget could handle such an extravagant purchase.

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