Volume 96, Issue 56
Thursday, January 9, 2003

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Predictions: from Skee-Lo to Leno

Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff

2003 is upon us, and whereas most critics swamp you with lists of their favourite movies and music, I'm more succinct: Minority Report and Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen.

Now that 2002 has been summarily dealt with, it's time to look forward to the future.

Here's my wish list for the new year:

- I wish I was a little bit taller/I wish I was a baller/I wish I had a girl... oh sorry, that's my personal list.

Here's the TV version:

- The upcoming "special" season of Friends doesn't become TV's answer to Michael Jordan playing for the Washington Wizards.

- Julia Roberts makes another appearance on Letterman, since it's always fun to see her try to ignore the fact that Dave is in love with her.

- Saturday Night Live stops getting non-actors to host the show. When I hear that someone like Christopher Walken is hosting, I know it'll be a funny show, but Jeff Gordon? Al Gore? What is this, amateur hour?

- 50 million people suddenly discover the hilarity of Andy Richter Controls The Universe.

- CBS completely revamps its football pre-game show. Jim Nantz should stick to broadcasting golf, Dan Marino has no personality, Boomer Esaison is annoying and Deion Sanders... well, he just needs to be killed.

- The Crocodile Hunter gets eaten. Nothing against the bloke, but I just think it would be funny.

- Jay Leno's "applause" sign stops working, and thus he delivers his entire monologue to dead silence.

- The Law & Order writers figure out that not every show needs to a) have a twist ending and b) has to be "ripped from the headlines." All we want is intelligent stories and Jerry Orbach making inappropriate smart-ass remarks at crime scenes.

- Networks stop giving reality shows to people whose lives we aren't interested in (Anna Nicole Smith) and start giving reality shows to people whose lives we do want to see more of (Hugh Hefner).

- Bravo!, Showcase or some other cable channel picks up HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, so we Canadians can see arguably the funniest show on TV for free.

- The makers of remote controls add more padding to the buttons, thus saving my fingers for my future career as a keyboardist for Celine Dion.


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