Volume 97, Issue 3
Thursday, June 5, 2003

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Horoscopes: Aries not model-worthy for month of June

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19) - Your dream of becoming America's Next Top Model is shattered upon realizing your feet are too big and your ears are too small. Sorry.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) - Five hours spent on a Richmond St. patio leave you with a temporary feeling of relief, but a lingering farmer's tan. Sucks to be you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - American Idol withdrawal induces late-night tremors. However, these episodes become fewer and farther between when you create visions of Ruben and Clay teaming up for a rendition of "Miss Independent."

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - After twelve years of kissing, you and your significant other finally succumb to the Racy act of making sweet, Amazing love.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Distractions on your road trip lead you to make a Wrong Turn directly into the wrath of cannibalistic inbred mountain men. What?

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your life is boring. You therefore decide to live vicariously through the lives of hot soap opera stars, taking Days of 'Our' Lives all too literally.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your sister's boyfriend's cousin's mother made the first cut of Canadian Idol. Congratulations.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - Indulging in animated films such as Finding Nemo leaves you craving childhood treats like popsicles and lollipops, among various other oral 'tasties.'

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) - Despite your burning desire to get some hot action this summer, the only explosions you'll be seeing are those of car explosions in 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You know you've reached the status of a borderline alcoholic when Jewel's jagged tooth and J.C.'s mullet get you all hot and bothered.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The cast of The Italian Job leads you to believe the world is full of beautiful people. However, you don't realize that you've been misled until after you break up with your significant other. Whoops.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You just can't stop rockin' your body this month, leading you into a sultry love triangle resembling that of Xtina, Justin and Britney. But clearly you're a fighter and you "ain't gonna stop."


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