Volume 96, Issue 85
Wednesday, March 12, 2003

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SATIRE: Winter to students: kiss my ass

By Ryan Dixon
Gazette Staff

The extended winter southwestern Ontario is experiencing has kept London in a deep freeze well into the second week of March, leaving many Western students without any spring in their step.

While it might be unrealistic to expect excessive sunny days before exams, some students are concerned the tardy spring of 2003 will never come.

"OK, like, I have 14 tube tops just sitting on my bed collecting dust. If this cold weather keeps up, I'm never going to get a boyfriend," said a concerned Western student, not worthy of a name.

Ben Frat admitted that, while he was looking forward to the return of spring, he was troubled by what the new season would mean for one of his favourite accessories.

"Well, I've been wearing these green tinted sunglasses all winter, right, but some chick in my psych class told me it's totally taboo to wear green glasses in the summer, so I guess I'll have to get another pair," Frat said. "Whatever man, I can still wear my old pair to indoor bars. I'll just have to get a patio pair for the summer."

The consequences of a long winter extend beyond the realm of fashion. Graham McKay, owner of the nearby tanning salon Blisters, said students have been flocking to his establishment.

"They all come in here asking me the same thing," McKay explained "Everybody wants to know what they can do to maintain a natural orange hue in the depths of these frigid temperatures. I tell them the key to a good 'fake bake' is a balance between falling asleep in the machines and not letting doctors push you around with all that 'ultra-violet rays cause cancer' talk."

London resident Sam Larkin said one member of his family is especially depressed by the cold these days – his pet dog Max.

"I usually take him to the park when the weather is nice and throw the frisbee around for him, but the cold has kept us indoors," Larkin said. "Now, he just watches soaps all day and he hasn't been out of his Scooby Doo slippers in weeks."


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