Volume 96, Issue 87
Friday, March 14, 2003

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A wily bunch of Nogoodnicks

By Benjamin Mills, Ryan Hickman and Jordan Bell
Gazette Staff

Gazette file photo
YOU NOSEY KIDS FOILED ME PLANS FOR THE LAST TIME! Nogoodicks coach Patty O'Chugglesworth at one of his more sober moments.

It has been a Gazette tradition to cover even the most obscure varsity sports for 96 years – from football to fencing and basketball to curling. So, never in our wildest dreams did it cross our minds that a time would come when there would be no sports to cover – not even lawn bowling. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that time has come.

Luckily, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is still one varsity sport that has yet to commence. It's Western's most obscure sport and doesn't even belong to Western's four-tier athletic funding model. In fact, the team is so obscure and unpopular that they fall under the little known tier five of the model – whereas other teams receive various sums of money and support from the university, this team must pay the university in order to play.

This team is so despicable, so vile, so unorthodox and so unruly, that in the past, The Gazette has been reluctant to give them coverage. But now we have no choice.

The unisex varsity road hockey team, aptly named the Nogoodnicks, are a rabble-rousing group of ruffians with a penchant for debauchery. They were banned from Ontario University Athletics conference competition in 1976, and although competitive university road hockey has since been downgraded to a recreational weekend activity, the Nogoodnicks have stood fast. They travel across Canada in vaudevillian style, looking for worthy opponents to test their abilities.

Their ringleader is a beer-swilling, ex-pugilist by the name of "Shotgun" Patty O'Chugglesworth (pictured on page 11). He handles the roles of general manager, head coach and trainer for the team, as well as being the primary subsidizer of the squad. How O'Chugglesworth manages to perpetually lose money on the team (seeing as he is the sole-supporter of the Nogoodnicks) in order to pay the university is baffling. Perhaps it was the money he received from a lawsuit he filed against George Steinbrenner when Steinbrenner slapped O'Chugglesworth for allegedly being "persnickety."

As far as the players themselves are concerned, they're a motley crew to say the least. Their captain, Frank Stallone, is a retired professional autograph seeker – in other words, a loser. He stands tall (and wide) at 6'2", 280 pounds and combines a low, hard shot from the point with fantastic passing and play-making abilities. He's also the oldest player on the team at 35-years-old, yet is still a first-year undeclared student – he's taken every first-year course offered at Western six times.

Assisting Stallone are wingers Super and Notso Fantastic, brothers from Golden, British Columbia, an area known for its high-potency marijuana... we mean... hockey programs. The Fantastics were born in a hippie commune to hippie parents – hence the names – and began playing hockey at a young age. Their rise to prominence in the BCHHL – the British Columbia Hippie Hockey League – was a fairy tale quest. Scouts from the NHL were knocking at the door, ready to sign the brothers to million-dollar contracts, when tragedy struck. During one of their usual post-game "celebrations," Notso dropped Super's beloved bong, shattering it into a million pieces, and with it, the brothers' drive and ambition to make it to the big leagues.

Rear-guarding the Nogoodnicks are "Mustang" Sally Salimanovich, a hard-nosed defenseman from New Berlin (now known as Kitchener, Ontario), and Ralph, whose hometown, date-of-birth, last name and area of study are unknown. Salimanovich brings bucket-loads of toughness to the team, boasting a perfect 457-0 street fighting record.

Ralph, on the other hand, brings nothing to the team, and as far as The Gazette is concerned, the man appears to have never played hockey in his life. He gets beat both physically and emotionally, frequently leaving the game to cry.

The Nogoodnicks play an erratic schedule, but one thing remains constant with the team: their home arena in the parking lot behind The Ridout. Their opening game is sometime next week, "as long as it don't innerfere with ma' drinkin' schedule," O'Chugglesworth confirmed.

Check The Gazette next week for coverage of the Nogoodnicks, the team everyone hates, but loves to get blitzed with.


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