A wily bunch of Nogoodnicks
Mills, Ryan Hickman and Jordan Bell
|YOU NOSEY KIDS
FOILED ME PLANS FOR THE LAST TIME! Nogoodicks coach Patty O'Chugglesworth
at one of his more sober moments.
It has been a Gazette
tradition to cover even the most obscure varsity sports for 96 years
from football to fencing and basketball to curling. So, never in our wildest
dreams did it cross our minds that a time would come when there would
be no sports to cover not even lawn bowling. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that time has come.
Luckily, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is still one
varsity sport that has yet to commence. It's Western's most obscure sport
and doesn't even belong to Western's four-tier athletic funding model.
In fact, the team is so obscure and unpopular that they fall under the
little known tier five of the model whereas other teams receive
various sums of money and support from the university, this team must
pay the university in order to play.
This team is so despicable, so vile, so unorthodox and so unruly, that
in the past, The Gazette has been reluctant to give them coverage. But
now we have no choice.
The unisex varsity road hockey team, aptly named the Nogoodnicks, are
a rabble-rousing group of ruffians with a penchant for debauchery. They
were banned from Ontario University Athletics conference competition in
1976, and although competitive university road hockey has since been downgraded
to a recreational weekend activity, the Nogoodnicks have stood fast. They
travel across Canada in vaudevillian style, looking for worthy opponents
to test their abilities.
Their ringleader is a beer-swilling, ex-pugilist by the name of "Shotgun"
Patty O'Chugglesworth (pictured on page 11). He handles the roles of general
manager, head coach and trainer for the team, as well as being the primary
subsidizer of the squad. How O'Chugglesworth manages to perpetually lose
money on the team (seeing as he is the sole-supporter of the Nogoodnicks)
in order to pay the university is baffling. Perhaps it was the money he
received from a lawsuit he filed against George Steinbrenner when Steinbrenner
slapped O'Chugglesworth for allegedly being "persnickety."
As far as the players themselves are concerned, they're a motley crew
to say the least. Their captain, Frank Stallone, is a retired professional
autograph seeker in other words, a loser. He stands tall (and wide)
at 6'2", 280 pounds and combines a low, hard shot from the point
with fantastic passing and play-making abilities. He's also the oldest
player on the team at 35-years-old, yet is still a first-year undeclared
student he's taken every first-year course offered at Western six
Assisting Stallone are wingers Super and Notso Fantastic, brothers from
Golden, British Columbia, an area known for its high-potency marijuana...
we mean... hockey programs. The Fantastics were born in a hippie commune
to hippie parents hence the names and began playing hockey
at a young age. Their rise to prominence in the BCHHL the British
Columbia Hippie Hockey League was a fairy tale quest. Scouts from
the NHL were knocking at the door, ready to sign the brothers to million-dollar
contracts, when tragedy struck. During one of their usual post-game "celebrations,"
Notso dropped Super's beloved bong, shattering it into a million pieces,
and with it, the brothers' drive and ambition to make it to the big leagues.
Rear-guarding the Nogoodnicks are "Mustang" Sally Salimanovich,
a hard-nosed defenseman from New Berlin (now known as Kitchener, Ontario),
and Ralph, whose hometown, date-of-birth, last name and area of study
are unknown. Salimanovich brings bucket-loads of toughness to the team,
boasting a perfect 457-0 street fighting record.
Ralph, on the other hand, brings nothing to the team, and as far as The
Gazette is concerned, the man appears to have never played hockey in his
life. He gets beat both physically and emotionally, frequently leaving
the game to cry.
The Nogoodnicks play an erratic schedule, but one thing remains constant
with the team: their home arena in the parking lot behind The Ridout.
Their opening game is sometime next week, "as long as it don't innerfere
with ma' drinkin' schedule," O'Chugglesworth confirmed.
Check The Gazette next week for coverage of the Nogoodnicks,
the team everyone hates, but loves to get blitzed with.