Volume 96, Issue 90
Thursday, March 20,2003

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Haters: Make Love, Not Hate

Shukvision
Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff

A recent British study has claimed that exposure to cartoons at a young age makes people more violent as adults. Obviously, I whole-heartedly agree with our tea-drinking friends from across the sea, since I have no doubt that my entire personality has been shaped (some might call it warped) by watching years of subversive cartoons.

Many of my formative years were spent watching classic characters like Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh and Bambi, but never did my young mind realize the propaganda that these cartoonish corrupters were disseminating.

Donald Duck, for example, walked around without pants, brazenly flaunting his mallard manhood. Winnie the Pooh taught us all that we should laugh at people with eating disorders. Bambi was the worst of all; remember the part of the movie where Bambi, Thumper and Flower get "twitterpated"? All that scene needed was a Ron Jeremy cameo.

Then there was my favourite cartoon show, The Real Ghostbusters. Talk about a show that spread hatred. Because of this show alone, I've carried a deeply-ingrained desire to instinctively lash out against ghosts, phantoms and pretty much all paranormal phenomenon (including giant marshmallow men).

And then there was the weird British version of Ghost Busters that used to be shown on YTV – those "Ghost Busters" were comprised of a blond guy, a fat guy with aviator goggles and a giant chimp. That was just downright confusing.

The problem doesn't end in childhood, either. The Simpsons has taught me many a valuable lesson about the proper technique for choking my son. Of course, I technically don't have a son, but given my propensity for strangling, that's probably for the best.

These British scientists should next turn their eyes toward other forms of corrupting media, like video games. Games are so realistic nowadays it is easy to get mixed up. At a party, a friend of mine was in the middle of a delightful anecdote about killing some folks in the strip club that he owns before he realized that he had confused his life with that of the characters in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

It is comforting to know that cartoons bear the blame for my violent sociopathic behaviour, so I don't have to take responsibility for any of my actions. What a relief!

Needless to say, my $100 million lawsuit against Warner Brothers and Walt Disney has already been filed. My childhood has been so influenced by animation that it's almost as if I've actually become a cartoon character myself. Wait a second... I'm balding, unsuccessful with the ladies and a terrible baseball player...

Good grief. I'm Charlie Brown.

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