Volume 96, Issue 90
Thursday, March 20, 2003

Search the Archives:

HOME
PHOTO GALLERY

COMICS
SUBMIT LETTER
CONTESTS
ADVERTISING
VOLUNTEERS
ABOUT US
ARCHIVES
LINKS



Chicago is the favourite: Cubs win! Cubs win!

By Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff


To make your Oscar pool more fun, try predicting what would happen if each nominee won.


BEST DIRECTOR

Pedro Almodovar (Talk to Her): Viciously insults the unsuspecting audience in Spanish. Only Selma Hayek understands, and vows revenge.

Stephen Daldry (The Hours): After directing one of the all-time chick flicks, he gets a sex-change operation to become Stephanie Daldry.

Rob Marshall (Chicago): Sings his acceptance speech. His career abruptly ends.

Roman Polanski (The Pianist): Polanski accepts via video linkup, since he'll be arrested for statutory rape if he enters the United States. Sadly, this one is actually true.

Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York): Marty's speech is drowned out by the round of celebratory gunfire from the local Mafia.

Will Win: Marshall

Deserves It: Scorsese

BEST ACTRESS

Salma Hayek (Frida): Can't accept her Oscar, as she is arrested for trying to strangle Pedro Almodovar.

Nicole Kidman (The Hours): What's left of Tom Cruise's pride shrivels and dies.

Diane Lane (Unfaithful): Millions of women follow her lead and cheat on their husbands with Frenchmen. Gerard Depardieu is in ecstasy.

Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven): "Whew! I'm glad I didn't lose twice in the same night!

Renee Zellweger (Chicago): So surprised at winning, she actually opens her eyes.

Will Win: Zellweger

Deserves It: Moore

BEST ACTOR

Adrien Brody (The Pianist): The world is shocked to learn that Brody is only 12 inches tall.

Nicolas Cage (Adaptation): Reveals that it was actually his twin brother Rick Cage who starred in crap like Windtalkers.

Michael Caine (The Quiet American): Sends a shout-out to all his boyz in Lizzondon, Englizzand.

Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York): Wins by default after the other nominees are found mysteriously hatcheted to death.

Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt): Buys a courtside Lakers seat for each of his four Oscars.

Will Win: Day-Lewis

Deserves It: All.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Kathy Bates (About Schmidt): Apologizes to Whirlpool for causing hot tub sales to drop 50 per cent.

Queen Latifah (Chicago): With this precedent, look for a sweep of the Oscars next year for Flava Flav as Macbeth.

Julianne Moore (The Hours): Is relieved at not being overshadowed by the real supporting star of The Hours, Nicole Kidman's fake nose.

Meryl Streep (Adaptation): Instead of a speech, Meryl explains why the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball.

Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago): She gives birth right there on the stage. The baby's name? You guessed it... Academy.

Will Win: Zeta-Jones

Deserves It: Zeta-Jones

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Chris Cooper (Adaptation): An Oscar will look great in his cabinet next to the Nazi dinner plates.

Ed Harris (The Hours): Demands to be referred to only as OWEH, short for Oscar Winner Ed Harris.

Paul Newman (Road to Perdition): "Buy my salad dressin. It's great."

John C. Reilly (Chicago): Announces plans to star in Boogie Nights 2: Rollergirl's Revenge.

Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can): Says the award is nice, but what it really needs is more cowbell.

Will Win: Cooper

Deserves It: Cooper

BEST PICTURE

Chicago: Thus inspired, the Cubs win their first World Series since 1908.

Gangs of New York: Life imitates art, as New York is overrun by the Jets and the Sharks.

The Hours: New interest is sparked in the works of Virginia Woolf. Insomnia is cured.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: The longer he carries his Oscar around, the more insane and evil Peter Jackson becomes.

The Pianist: In a tribute, Billy Joel changes the name of his best-known song.

Will Win: Chicago

Deserves It: Chicago

MORE A&E HEADLINES

Contact The Arts and Entertainment Department

2002 THE GAZETTE