Chicago is the favourite: Cubs win! Cubs win!
To make your Oscar pool more fun, try predicting what would happen if each nominee won.
Pedro Almodovar (Talk to Her): Viciously insults the unsuspecting audience in Spanish. Only Selma Hayek understands, and vows revenge.
Stephen Daldry (The Hours): After directing one of the all-time chick flicks, he gets a sex-change operation to become Stephanie Daldry.
Rob Marshall (Chicago): Sings his acceptance speech. His career abruptly ends.
Roman Polanski (The Pianist): Polanski accepts via video linkup, since he'll be arrested for statutory rape if he enters the United States. Sadly, this one is actually true.
Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York): Marty's speech is drowned out by the round of celebratory gunfire from the local Mafia.
Will Win: Marshall
Deserves It: Scorsese
Salma Hayek (Frida): Can't accept her Oscar, as she is arrested for trying to strangle Pedro Almodovar.
Nicole Kidman (The Hours): What's left of Tom Cruise's pride shrivels and dies.
Diane Lane (Unfaithful): Millions of women follow her lead and cheat on their husbands with Frenchmen. Gerard Depardieu is in ecstasy.
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven): "Whew! I'm glad I didn't lose twice in the same night!
Renee Zellweger (Chicago): So surprised at winning, she actually opens her eyes.
Will Win: Zellweger
Deserves It: Moore
Adrien Brody (The Pianist): The world is shocked to learn that Brody is only 12 inches tall.
Nicolas Cage (Adaptation): Reveals that it was actually his twin brother Rick Cage who starred in crap like Windtalkers.
Michael Caine (The Quiet American): Sends a shout-out to all his boyz in Lizzondon, Englizzand.
Daniel Day-Lewis (Gangs of New York): Wins by default after the other nominees are found mysteriously hatcheted to death.
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt): Buys a courtside Lakers seat for each of his four Oscars.
Will Win: Day-Lewis
Deserves It: All.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt): Apologizes to Whirlpool for causing hot tub sales to drop 50 per cent.
Queen Latifah (Chicago): With this precedent, look for a sweep of the Oscars next year for Flava Flav as Macbeth.
Julianne Moore (The Hours): Is relieved at not being overshadowed by the real supporting star of The Hours, Nicole Kidman's fake nose.
Meryl Streep (Adaptation): Instead of a speech, Meryl explains why the designated hitter rule is ruining baseball.
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago): She gives birth right there on the stage. The baby's name? You guessed it... Academy.
Will Win: Zeta-Jones
Deserves It: Zeta-Jones
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation): An Oscar will look great in his cabinet next to the Nazi dinner plates.
Ed Harris (The Hours): Demands to be referred to only as OWEH, short for Oscar Winner Ed Harris.
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition): "Buy my salad dressin. It's great."
John C. Reilly (Chicago): Announces plans to star in Boogie Nights 2: Rollergirl's Revenge.
Christopher Walken (Catch Me If You Can): Says the award is nice, but what it really needs is more cowbell.
Will Win: Cooper
Deserves It: Cooper
Chicago: Thus inspired, the Cubs win their first World Series since 1908.
Gangs of New York: Life imitates art, as New York is overrun by the Jets and the Sharks.
The Hours: New interest is sparked in the works of Virginia Woolf. Insomnia is cured.
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: The longer he carries his Oscar around, the more insane and evil Peter Jackson becomes.
The Pianist: In a tribute, Billy Joel changes the name of his best-known song.
Will Win: Chicago
Deserves It: Chicago