Volume 96, Issue 91
Friday, March 21, 2003

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If CNN drives you to drink...

The war in Iraq may seem distant – after all, it is on the other side of the world – but war is war, which means the end could be near, so it's probably time to start drinking.

With that in mind, The Gazette would like to introduce you to the "CNN War Coverage Drinking Game."

All you have to do is get a group of friends, tune into CNN's mind-numbing coverage of the war and keep your Gazette guide handy. We should warn you though, the possibility of feeling nauseous while drinking is increased by the motion sickness caused by CNN's ever-shaking camera shots of the Baghdad night and the fact you will be forced to hear George W. Bush talk.

1. Chug a beer every time you see Bush furrowing his unibrow – chug two every time he speaks with phony, grim determination.

2. Take a shot of vodka every time the phrase "Coalition of the Willing" is spoken, or shamelessly displayed in large font across your screen.

3. Every time Connie Chung asks a reporter, "So, what's the mood over there?" it calls for three beers. Whose mood would that be Connie? The men and women getting ready to risk their lives in battle, or the innocent civilians waiting to be bombed?

4. Howl whenever an anchor says Wolf Blitzer's name.

5. Have two beers every time you find yourself wondering what Paula Zahn's like in bed and 12 when you wonder the same thing about Aaron Brown.

6. Drink a coffee every time you're so drunk that CNN's night vision green screen tricks you into thinking you're actually playing Space Invaders.

7. Channel-surfing bonus: three beers if you hear Lloyd Robertson describing the weather as "ideal warring conditions."

8. Play a game of darts whenever you hear about the use of precision-guided missiles – if you hit the bull's-eye once for every 10 darts you throw, your accuracy is on par with the U.S. military's. Reward yourself with a drink. On that same note, chug an additional beer every time you see evidence that the "intelligence" of an American "smart bomb" is perhaps equal with that of Bush.

9. Take a shot every time CNN shows a clip of one of the Dixie Chicks in tears after she finds out another one of the group's CDs was used to beat down one of her fellow "no good, peace lovin''" war protesters.

10. Down a six-pack and throw some form of meat on the barbecue when CNN brings in John Madden as a guest analyst to relate the events of the war to American citizens who only speak in terms of first downs.

11. Now that you've had a few too many cold ones, break out a map of the world. Have a friend spin you around three times and then try to find Iraq on the map. If you can do it, you've earned yourself one final drink. If you can't, don't fret – you've still got a shot at becoming the leader of the free world someday.



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