Volume 96, Issue 91
Friday, March 21, 2003

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NEWS FOR DUMMIES: Dummy news in poetic form

By Emmett Macfarlane
Gazette Staff

In a pathetic homage to The Gazette's Arts issue, News For Dummies will be presented in poetic form this week.

The world this week saw a start to the war against Iraq – France, Germany, Russia and China all complained that it's whack.

George W. Bush said the liberation of Iraq has begun – we're sure people there think the bombing's a lot of fun.

Jean Chrétien said Canada will have no role in the war – some are glad we won't be America's whore.

But others complain we aren't there for our close friend – it will be a long time before relations mend.

At issue is those Liberals, openly hating the U.S. – they're arrogant fools, but I digress.

Saddam Hussein survived an initial missile attack – but if he thinks he'll stay alive, he must be on crack.

By yesterday afternoon, Baghdad was in flames – as much as some hate Bush, Saddam is to blame.

At least CNN will be happy for a while – this may be just as good as the O.J. trial.

Premier Ernie Eves wants to give the budget directly to TV – opponents say the Tories are looking for free publicity.

All this, critics say, is about the upcoming election – the Conservatives think it will help their selection.

Speaker Gary Carr said Eves is wrong and the legislature's crucial – Eves shot back, arguing Carr should stay neutral.

But now no major network wants to cover the budget – Eves wants to control the media, so they're saying "fuck it."

It'll all come to a head, in the spring or the fall – an election is coming, we're just waiting for the call.

Deputy Prime Minister John Manley has officially entered the Liberal leadership race – it will be an uphill battle trying to make front-runner Paul Martin lose face.

Sheila Copps is another Liberal contender – never mind, she's even below the title of pretender.

But what's the best thing about Chrétien stepping down? – he's been in power so long, it's like he's been wearing a crown.

The problem with Chrétien is he thinks he's king – the fact that people voted for him is a really sad thing.

Quebec Premier Bernard Landry decided to change plans for separation – I guess sovereignty has suffered from a bout of constipation.

Landry wants Canada and Quebec to come to a new political arrangement – instead of separation, he just wants estrangement.

But one last comment, before News for Dummies comes to an end – this poetry stuff is fucking hard.


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