Volume 96, Issue 94
Thursday, March 27, 2003

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Bush's ratings game

Caught in the web
Chris Webden
News Editor

Have you been watching the news lately? I bet you have. Have you seen anything about that war going on in Iraq? I bet you've seen a ton.

What about the conflicts in Algeria or the Philippines? What about the slave trading going on in the Sudan? Or the horrible atrocities being committed by the government of Burma? I bet you haven't. Seems a little strange doesn't it?

Recently, it seems the whole world has had its eyes fixated on the United States-led war in Iraq, and the desert sun has burned out their retinas, blinding them to the countless other horrific acts being committed around the globe.

I guess that's what happens when the country waging war controls the vast majority of the world's telecommunications – all American coverage, all the time.

The ridiculous part is that, as we sit at home and watch CNN over and over again, we are supporting the economy of the same country waging war. America is currently leading a unilateral and illegal war, and it's getting great ratings.

Maybe that was George Bush's plan all along.

Bush: "Colin (read: colon), ah am bored. Entertain me Colon. Dance for me Colon, dance. Please???"

Powell: "Well, I don't know Georgey. I didn't wear mah dancing shoes today."

Bush: "Pretty please Colin. Mah daughters will fan you with palm leaves and feed you grapes."

Powell: "Ahhhh, that sounds nice, but I still don't know Georgey."

Bush: "I've had enough of your lip boy. Dance for me or I'm gonna kick your ass worse than them Afghans."

Powell: "That's it George. I can't dance, but I sure can kick some ass for ya. All I'll need is about 4,000 satellite controlled missiles worth $1.4 million each, a couple hundred thousand men willing to die for your entertainment and some poor sucker who needs to get his ass kicked."

Bush: "Hmm, that's a darn good idea mah boy. Let's just check with the United Nations to see if it's OK. Well, fuck it. Who cares what they say, let's just do it."

Powell: "Hey, Nike said that first didn't they? Ah am wearin' mah favourite Nike's right now Georgey."

Bush: "I think they did Colin. I think they did."

And so it went. George W. Bush got his wish that day. With the help of his good buddy Secretary of the State Colin Powell, the president was able to come up with a plan to create the world's most costly entertainment, a war with Iraq.

It looks like it worked too. The war in Iraq has covered the front pages of every major newspaper since the day it started. CNN and other major U.S. news networks have garnered astronomical ratings as men, women and children around the world have glued themselves to their televisions, watching the war as if it were nothing more than a scary movie.

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2002 THE GAZETTE