Volume 96, Issue 95
Friday, March 28, 2003

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Future rama-dama ding-dong

The Gazette recently received this mysterious letter from an unknown source in humanity's distant future.


Dear Western students of 2003,

This letter has been sent to you from the future – in which the world you currently know has become a utopian land of technological splendour.

Because our technological superiority ensures our citizens endless free time for leisure pursuits, we spend a lot of time mocking the 21st century – its politics, the fact that people still wear sweat pants and the fact that people consider Keanu Reeves a credible actor.

Although we love mocking you to no end, we would like to share with you some of the magical gadgetry that humanity will enjoy in the times to come.

The feat we're most proud of is our "anatomically correct" cyborg politicians. Some time ago, we decided on a flawless method to alleviate all the confusion surrounding the jargon of politicians. Since the year 2232, all cyber-politicians have been created to literally speak out of their asses. Now, even the most na•ve person knows that everything politicians say is empty and hollow.

One of our more creative technological advances was the advent of a two-way Slinky. While your 21st century "backwater Slinkies" are only capable of slinking down stairs, our new and improved models are quite adept at actually slinking up stairs. In a freakish, unplanned turn of events, they're also spectacular psychiatrists.

We have also made great leaps in the field of military artillery. For instance, we tweaked the "smart bomb" and renamed it the "fair bomb," which comes complete with decision-making abilities and a conscience. Upon being launched, a "fair bomb" surveys the international situation, and flawlessly drops on the country it determines to be in the wrong. Subsequently, the United States has ceased to be the military power it once was.

We have made some advancements in the area of entertainment and fashion as well. For instance, our cellphones are engineered to actually make people more popular, instead of just feeling more popular. Puffy vests, a tradition that continues at Western to this day, now include the power of flight, so students can soar to the same heights as their egos.

Building on your attempt to clone sheep, we have genetically engineered a new breed of raccoons. Now, instead of spilling garbage all over your lawn, raccoons act as lawn care specialists, ensuring the grass is always cut, the garden is always weeded and using their night vision to monitor the after-hour meetings of garden gnomes, who continue to plot the downfall of humanity.

By the way, Joan Rivers is still alive and we still watch reruns of The Simpsons. See you in the future.


Sincerely,
The Future

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