Volume 96, Issue 95
Friday, March 28, 2003

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Stallone freaks out, pushes guy

By Benjamin Mills
Gazette Staff

Niru Somayajula/Gazette
THE ACTIONS OF AN ANGRY MAN. Frank Stallone (shown above shoving a reporter) isn't a happy camper.

Scandal rocked the Nogoodnicks, a completely imaginary road hockey team this week, after it was revealed that team captain Frank Stallone is actually a student at Fanshawe College, not Western as was originally thought.

"Dude, get outta my face, unless you want it broke," said a visibly pissed Stallone, as he shoved reporters aside after a meeting with team owner, Patty O'Chugglesworth.

"So what if I was a Christmas grad in eighth-year? I still go to school in London, so technically I'm a student at Western, right?" Stallone added

Wrong.

Stallone will have to reapply to Western next September, and will be ineligible for the remaining road hockey games this season.

"Screw off *burp,* this is none of your damn business!" said a visibly inebriated O'Chugglesworth, as he flung his own vomit at a group of reporters.

"Schtallone's a schtand up guy... he's the best... what? You wanna go? I'll beat you wiff one arm tied behind me back. You schunofabitch!," slurred O'Chugglesworth.

"Don't judge me! You can all go to... ," he added before passing out, leaving the journalists to wonder where he wanted them to go.

His teammates' reaction was mixed to say the least.

"*cough* cough* Whoa dude, Frank is dead? Oh man, that, like, really sucks," said a confused Super Fantastic, one of Stallone's teammates, to which his brother, Notso Fantastic replied, "No dude, he's like, not allowed to play or something. Whoa, puff, puff, give, bro', you know the rules!"

Whether or not the team will be forced to play a player short has yet to be determined. Fortunately, O'Chugglesworth has a response to that question "If Fffrank can't play, then I'll lllace 'em up."

God help us all.

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