Volume 96, Issue 83
Friday, March 7, 2003

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A cry for peace and ponies

As the spectre of war looms large in the Middle East, The Gazette has come up with some creative ways to foster peace and understanding between Iraq and the United States.

Krispy Kreme carpet bombing: These delicious little projectiles are the ideal ambassadors of lard-assed American capitalism, and far less deadly than actual weaponry. As a side benefit, the consumption of mass amounts of donuts will make the Iraqis sluggish and complacent.

Quasi-celebrity ambassadors: Emmanuel Lewis (aka Webster) could tap dance and stop the conflict by sheer vile cuteness, and Gary Coleman could sternly question, "What you talkin' 'bout Saddam?" Providing washed-up "stars" with meaningful work and promoting peace is perhaps the ultimate humanitarian effort.

Alternative fuel sources: The oil rivalry could be averted if broccoli-powered cars were invented and people were encouraged to ride miniature ponies to work. Everyone loves ponies.

Feed George W. Bush a giant pretzel: Given Dubya's propensity for choking on the little devils, this could avert war in one simple move. One crazy Texan plus one deliciously salty treat minus one well-placed Heimlich maneuver equals no more warmongering.

Creative geography: Convince Bush and the American public that Iraq is in fact the long lost state of Delaware. The latter may be skeptical, but the president will merely be relieved that someone figured out where he left The Diamond State.

Weapons to jewellry: Melt all Iraqi and U.S. weapons down and make them into charm bracelets to be distributed in cereal boxes the world over.

Penis enlargements for all world leaders: If they were all impossibly well-hung, there would be nothing to prove in the package department and presumably all testosterone-fuelled violence would decline.

Skill-testing question: Tell Bush he has won a contest: if he can find Iraq on a map, he can invade it. The sweet sound of peace should follow shortly, accompanied by puzzled head-scratching.

Unite against a common enemy; John Mayer: Nothing bridges gaps quite like a common contempt for somebody. Bush and Hussein could combine forces to rid the world of John Mayer, with his sappy lyrics and puppy dog pout. Suck on that wonderland boy.

Invade Iraqi television: Play South Park: The Movie 24 hours a day to show the Iraqi people the evils of Saddam Hussein, as well as his sexual indiscretions with the Prince of Darkness. This plan may backfire if both parties decide to "Blame Canada" and attack our Bryan Adams-harbouring asses.

Disney World Iraq: There is no way the U.S. could bomb the happiest place on Earth, even if it was in the Eastern hemisphere.




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