A cry for peace and ponies
As the spectre
of war looms large in the Middle East, The Gazette has come up
with some creative ways to foster peace and understanding between Iraq
and the United States.
Krispy Kreme carpet bombing: These delicious little projectiles
are the ideal ambassadors of lard-assed American capitalism, and far less
deadly than actual weaponry. As a side benefit, the consumption of mass
amounts of donuts will make the Iraqis sluggish and complacent.
Quasi-celebrity ambassadors: Emmanuel Lewis (aka Webster)
could tap dance and stop the conflict by sheer vile cuteness, and Gary
Coleman could sternly question, "What you talkin' 'bout Saddam?"
Providing washed-up "stars" with meaningful work and promoting
peace is perhaps the ultimate humanitarian effort.
Alternative fuel sources: The oil rivalry could be averted
if broccoli-powered cars were invented and people were encouraged to ride
miniature ponies to work. Everyone loves ponies.
Feed George W. Bush a giant pretzel: Given Dubya's propensity
for choking on the little devils, this could avert war in one simple move.
One crazy Texan plus one deliciously salty treat minus one well-placed
Heimlich maneuver equals no more warmongering.
Creative geography: Convince Bush and the American public
that Iraq is in fact the long lost state of Delaware. The latter may be
skeptical, but the president will merely be relieved that someone figured
out where he left The Diamond State.
Weapons to jewellry: Melt all Iraqi and U.S. weapons
down and make them into charm bracelets to be distributed in cereal boxes
the world over.
Penis enlargements for all world leaders: If they were
all impossibly well-hung, there would be nothing to prove in the package
department and presumably all testosterone-fuelled violence would decline.
Skill-testing question: Tell Bush he has won a contest:
if he can find Iraq on a map, he can invade it. The sweet sound of peace
should follow shortly, accompanied by puzzled head-scratching.
Unite against a common enemy; John Mayer: Nothing bridges
gaps quite like a common contempt for somebody. Bush and Hussein could
combine forces to rid the world of John Mayer, with his sappy lyrics and
puppy dog pout. Suck on that wonderland boy.
Invade Iraqi television: Play South Park: The Movie
24 hours a day to show the Iraqi people the evils of Saddam Hussein,
as well as his sexual indiscretions with the Prince of Darkness. This
plan may backfire if both parties decide to "Blame Canada" and
attack our Bryan Adams-harbouring asses.
Disney World Iraq: There is no way the U.S. could bomb
the happiest place on Earth, even if it was in the Eastern hemisphere.