Volume 96, Issue 83
Friday, March 7, 2003

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NEWS FOR DUMMIES
Bastards, helicopters and insanity

By Emmett Macfarlane
Gazette Staff

Much like a microwave dinner of information that can only be described as "yum, yum, yum, yummy," "News for Dummies" is here to offer you a quick fix for information of the world beyond Western.

Member of Parliament Carolyn Parrish bought herself 15 minutes of fame, or infamy, after saying "damn Americans, I hate those bastards" in front of the press.

Parrish was forced to apologize for her stupidity, but seemed much less contrite when she talked to Mike Bullard about it on that crappy Tonight Show imitation he calls a talk show. Damn politicians, I hate those bastards.

The Canadian fleet's flagship, the HMCS Iroquois, was damaged on its way to the Persian Gulf and forced to return after a Sea King helicopter crashed after takeoff. The hunk of junk, considered old 20 years ago, joins half of the Canadian military choppers currently out of commission.

As a result, the military is considering changing its recruitment slogan from "Strong. Proud." to, well, the exact opposite.

North Korea intercepted a United States' spy plane Monday with four fighter jets over the sea of Japan. The intercept, described as "reckless" by U.S. authorities, came a day after North Korea warned the world it "will suffer horrifying nuclear disasters" in the event of any aggressive move against the country.

The U.S. responded by sending 24 heavy bombers to the area, although administration officials said the decision to deploy them was made before the spy plane incident.

Meanwhile, back in Canada, the Ontario New Democratic Party released its election platform. The platform includes plans to raise the minimum wage to $8 an hour, increase spending by $6 billion and raise taxes for those who make over $100,000.

By the end of the week, critics argued over who was more insane: North Korean leaders or the NDP.

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