Volume 97, Issue 2
Thursday, May 29, 2003

Search the Archives:

HOME
PHOTO GALLERY

COMICS
SUBMIT LETTER
CONTESTS
ADVERTISING
VOLUNTEERS
ABOUT US
ARCHIVES
LINKS



Sexy sequels spice up summer

By Mark Polishuk
Gazette Staff

Nothing sucks quite like summer sequels, when studios trot out the follow-ups to terrible movies that inexplicably made money in the first place. Since most of the movies on the list below are a lost cause in terms of cinematic quality, they can only be judged in terms of the cheapest thrill of all: sex appeal. Here's a look at how the coming sequels stack up in terms of sexiness, with four stars being the most sexy and one star equaling your average Gazette editor.

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (June 6): The title looks like it was written by Prince, but hey, Prince's songs are pretty sexy. Ergo, this movie should be sexy, right? Right? No Vin Diesel here, though Paul "The Other Guy" Walker is back. There will probably be the usual assortment of scantily-clad racing chicks, though most guys will just get off on the cars. **1/2



CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
(June 27): Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore are all back, plus 40-year-old Demi Moore, who is better preserved than a can of my Grandma's pears. For the ladies, there's Mr. Sex Appeal himself, Crispin Glover. ****



TERMINATOR 3 (July 4): Kristanna Loken plays the evil TX cyborg and while she's hot, nobody could ever think a woman made of synthetic parts could be attractive. That's just crazy talk! Not much here for the women, unless you think Ah-nuld is still sexy despite being as old as your dad. **



LEGALLY BLONDE 2 (July 4): Reese Witherspoon, 'nuff said. On the male side, there's Luke Nomar Wilson and... uh... Bob Newhart? ***



TOMB RAIDER II: THE CRADLE OF LIFE
(July 25): Ah, Angelina Jolie. Still sexy after all the bad movies and her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton. The movie's title opens itself up (rim shot) to several dirty jokes, so perhaps it's best to just move on. ***



SPY KIDS 3-D (July 25): They're kids, you perverts! This one is only alluring to R. Kelly. *


AMERICAN WEDDING (Aug. 1): This just in: America is ugly. The third installment of American Pie is missing most of the women from the original cast and the one remaining hot chick, Alyson Hannigan, has to be uglied up due to her nerdy role. So, unless Jason Biggs and Eugene Levy really float your boat, there's not much sexiness here. **



FREDDY VS. JASON (Aug. 15): This will be the unquestioned sexy smash of the summer when Jason takes off his hockey mask to reveal '80s heartthrob Jason Bateman! Freddy gets his own wet, er, bad dreams as Jason's sexiness keeps him up at night! Do I hear wedding bells? ****

MORE A&E HEADLINES

Contact The Arts and Entertainment Department

2002 THE GAZETTE