November 11, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 40  

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NEWS

A Wish List of criminal activity

By Marshall Bellamy & Dan Perry
Gazette Staff

For at least one weekend, the Western community was a little quieter than usual; whether the quietness was due to exams, essays or the king of crime-prevention itself, the Santa Claus parade, it is still up in the air.

Const. Cam Halliday, speaking on behalf of the London Police Department, reported a few unrelated drug seizures on the weekend, mostly resulting from traffic violation stops, including one where some bags “believed to be methamphetamine” were confiscated. “Seized was four grams, worth approximately $800,” Halliday said.

Elgin Austen, spokesperson for the Campus Community Police Service, said it was a busy weekend for CCPS, but there was very little that was newsworthy. Of note, CCPS will be setting up radar and electronic signs on Perth and University Drs., so don’t speed... for a while.

As a result, we bring you The Usual Suspects first-ever Wish List, an act of desperation and what many consider sheer stupidity, in which The Gazette reports “what should’ve happened over the weekend.”

Nazis: People saw some and kicked them in the nuts.

Ninja Turtles: During the weekend, witnesses claimed to see four teen-aged mutated ninja-like turtles break into CentreSpot and make off with several pizzas, only to be attacked and apprehended by French Knight Paul Davenport in his Shredder suit of armour.

Naked Masturbator: Returned from his seclusion to open a kiosk in which he was selling many fine lotions, oils and products that assist him in doing what he does best.

Pirates: The dreaded Pirates of the Thames sailed up river in search buried treasure, mayhem and booty. After reaching Saugeen, the brave buccaneers decided they would be happy with just the booty.

Nazis: People returned to the nut-kicking scene to laugh and mock the foolish boobs.

Underage Alchies: CCPS discovered a speakeasy where Western’s minors, spurned from their on-campus watering holes, created a place where they could act like proper university students and drink away their OSAP money to excess. Remember, this is a Wish List — naturally, the speakeasy is open to customers under 19.

Microwaves: Microwave ovens, disgruntled over cooking disgusting TV dinners, turned on owners everywhere and devoured people across Western. The situation looked grim until the few remaining survivors snuck behind the army of microwaves and pulled their plugs.

Jumpers: More idiots jumped from the University Dr. Bridge, making the rest of us feel a little smarter.

 

 

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