A Wish List of criminal activity
By Marshall Bellamy & Dan
For at least one weekend, the Western community was a little
quieter than usual; whether the quietness was due to exams,
essays or the king of crime-prevention itself, the Santa Claus
parade, it is still up in the air.
Const. Cam Halliday, speaking on behalf of the London Police
Department, reported a few unrelated drug seizures on the weekend,
mostly resulting from traffic violation stops, including one
where some bags “believed to be methamphetamine” were
confiscated. “Seized was four grams, worth approximately
$800,” Halliday said.
Elgin Austen, spokesperson for the Campus Community Police
Service, said it was a busy weekend for CCPS, but there was
very little that was newsworthy. Of note, CCPS will be setting
up radar and electronic signs on Perth and University Drs.,
so don’t speed... for a while.
As a result, we bring you The Usual Suspects first-ever Wish
List, an act of desperation and what many consider sheer stupidity,
in which The Gazette reports “what should’ve happened
over the weekend.”
Nazis: People saw some and kicked them in the nuts.
Ninja Turtles: During the weekend, witnesses claimed to see
four teen-aged mutated ninja-like turtles break into CentreSpot
and make off with several pizzas, only to be attacked and apprehended
by French Knight Paul Davenport in his Shredder suit of armour.
Naked Masturbator: Returned from his seclusion to open a kiosk
in which he was selling many fine lotions, oils and products
that assist him in doing what he does best.
Pirates: The dreaded Pirates of the Thames sailed up river
in search buried treasure, mayhem and booty. After reaching
Saugeen, the brave buccaneers decided they would be happy with
just the booty.
Nazis: People returned to the nut-kicking scene to laugh and
mock the foolish boobs.
Underage Alchies: CCPS discovered a speakeasy where Western’s
minors, spurned from their on-campus watering holes, created
a place where they could act like proper university students
and drink away their OSAP money to excess. Remember, this is
a Wish List — naturally, the speakeasy is open to customers
Microwaves: Microwave ovens, disgruntled over cooking disgusting
TV dinners, turned on owners everywhere and devoured people
across Western. The situation looked grim until the few remaining
survivors snuck behind the army of microwaves and pulled their
Jumpers: More idiots jumped from the University Dr. Bridge,
making the rest of us feel a little smarter.