November 13, 2003  
Volume 97, Issue 42  

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Sweeps Month strikes again!

Mark Polishuk

Opinions Editor

Gazette file photo
AMERICA’S FAVOURITE FRIENDS. Oh woe. What will we do without the only friends we have? Note to self: invest in a chick and duck.

It's November, which means TV networks are currently in the midst of Sweeps month, where ratings are used to set the ad rates for the next year. It's also called Sweeps month because it's usually around this time networks sweep the crappy new shows out of their lineup. Let's look at some of the gimmicks shows are turning to in order to attract new viewers.

CNN Crossfire: The pundits decide to throw factual basis out the window in favour of rehashing old political stereotypes and yelling at each other like children. No wait, that's every day.

CSI: The regular show takes a break while CBS takes the opportunity to push its latest spinoff, CSI: Halifax. Early prediction: the show fails because it gets pretty repetitive, having every murder weapon be a fish or a box of whale blubber.

8 Simple Rules: To capitalize on the huge ratings of the post-John Ritter show, not to mention the huge ratings of reality shows, 8 Simple Rules starts a controversial new change in format. Every week, a viewer poll will determine which cast member is killed off. Special guest star: Julie Andrews as the Angel of Death.

Friends: An episode focused on Chandler and Joey's chick and duck. It'll be like that movie The Bear, except slightly less god awful. Special guest star: Steve Buscemi as a parrot.

Gilmore Girls: In an attempt to make the show a bit more edgy, the title is changed to Bastard Child.

Karen Sisko: Karen tracks down her wayward half-brother, hunted for his obsession with women's underwear. Special guest star: Sisqo.

Monday Night Football: To spice up this Monday's game between two mediocre teams, John Madden and Al Michaels will be joined in the booth by a gay artisan from San Fran and a gay Pittsburgh steel worker. They work hard and they play hard.

Punk'd: Ashton Kutcher tries to punk actress Paget Brewster, confusing her for the actress who played Punky Brewster. Once the problem is explained to him, Kutcher yells "Consarnit!", throws his mesh hat on the ground and jumps on it like Yosemite Sam.

The Regans: With their miniseries on Ronald Reagan forced off the air, CBS is forced to throw together this miniseries about former Baltimore Orioles manager Phil Regan. The first episode centers around Regan's involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal, which amounted to his reading about it in the paper while coaching in the minor leagues.

24: Jack Bauer gets in an exciting car chase with a terrorist, but the villain escapes after Jack is caught waiting for a train on Richmond St. Special guest star: the guy at Sammy's Souvlaki.



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